MissPerceived

The costumes. The candy. The decorations. The group chats about who’s trick-or-treating with whom. Halloween is supposed to be fun—so why does making the magic feel like another full-time job?In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks the invisible work behind Halloween—and why so much of it falls to moms. From planning costumes and keeping children safe to navigating friendship drama and the rising expectations of “boo baskets,” Leah explores how one night of fun can become weeks of organizing, worrying, and doing moreShe also discusses the extra planning involved when children have sensory sensitivities, are neurodivergent, or live with a disability—and the work parents do to make a holiday feel welcoming when it wasn’t designed with their child’s needs in mindPlus, a story about a painstakingly handmade mermaid costume raises an important question: Are we creating the memories our children actually want—or exhausting ourselves trying to deliver the ones we think they need?Whether you love Halloween or wish you could switch off the porch light and skip it, this episode offers permission to take shortcuts, share the work, and let go of the extras that don’t bring your family joy.In this episodeThe hidden work of making Halloween magical.How social media and new traditions keep raising the bar.The emotional work of friendships, inclusion, and being left out.Safety concerns, sensory needs, and planning for different experiences.How to decide what to keep, delegate, or drop this holiday season.

You ask for help, but nothing happens. Eventually, you stop asking. Or you make a decision “for the family”—only to realize your needs are the ones that keep coming last.In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks three forms of power in relationships: the obvious power of saying no, the quieter power that stops you from asking, and the invisible power hidden inside decisions that seem fair. Drawing on sociological research and her own work on marital dynamics, Leah explores how everyday negotiations over housework, careers, and family responsibilities can leave one partner doing more while the other gets more say.From the “nag paradox” to the thinking work behind supposedly shared decisions, this episode asks: Are you making choices for both of you—or consistently putting one person first? Leah also explores how partners trade support over time, when those trade-offs become unequal, and how to start making room for your own goals, rest, and ambitions.In this episodeWhy ignoring a request can be an exercise of power.What happens when you stop asking because you already expect a no.How “we decided” can hide one person doing all the planning.Why decisions made “for us” don’t always benefit both partners.Recognizing when to push back and ask for what you need.#MissPerceived #Relationships #RelationshipDynamics #InvisibleLabor #ProfLeahRuppanner

Does it actually matter for your relationship if your partner carries more of the emotional load? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner breaks down a new study from the University of Southampton that goes beyond who does the dishes and digs into something more surprising: the link between emotional labor, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.Leah explains the key distinction this research reveals — men doing more housework and emotional/family-management tasks boosts women's overall relationship satisfaction, but it's specifically emotional labor toward the partner (knowing when you're upset, taking care of you when you're sick, understanding your emotional needs) that predicts sexual satisfaction. She also unpacks a fascinating gender split in the data: women report the most satisfaction when things are split equally, while men report the most satisfaction the more their partner takes on — a mismatch that can quietly fuel resentment and burnout in relationships.Drawing on her book Drained, Leah connects this to a bigger pattern: men often see offloading domestic labor as an investment in the family's future, while women often feel guilty taking on less, because they've been taught that 100% of their energy should go to their families. If you want to understand why your relationship might be hitting friction points around who does what, this episode breaks down exactly what the research says — and what to actually talk about with your partner.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — recording from Australia and new research on relationships02:26 What is the mental load? A quick refresher04:39 How researchers measured emotional labor, relationship nurturing, family management06:57 The key finding: emotional labor to the partner predicts sexual satisfaction09:12 Why women want equality, but men want investment — a gendered mismatch11:38 How this mismatch creates relationship conflict and resentment13:00 What happened during COVID when men carried more of the load14:03 What to actually do: get strategic, not just "do more"Resources Mentioned:📄 Research: Verena Klein, Rotem Kalisher, Esra Ascigil, and Tanja Oschatz (University of Southampton)📄 Related research: Sabino Kornrich on housework division and sexual frequency📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)

Nearly 1 in 4 adults have experienced a period of estrangement from a sibling — and it's more common (and more complicated) than most of us realize. In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks a new study out of Ohio State University that dug into 39 in-depth interviews to understand why adult siblings go no contact.Leah breaks down the two major forces driving estrangement: parental behavior (favoritism, manipulation, and forcing siblings to "pick sides" after a parent-child conflict) and the sibling relationship itself (destabilizing conduct, safety threats, and childhood bonds that were never really built). She shares personal stories from friends navigating estrangement, explains the concept of family systems and triangulation, and connects all of it back to the mental load — the emotional scanning, relationship repair work, and guilt that estranged (or nearly estranged) families create.If you've ever felt like your family "doesn't understand your world," or you're carrying guilt about a sibling relationship that isn't what it's supposed to be, this episode offers real permission to step back, set boundaries, and stop measuring your worth by an outdated obligation to stay close no matter what.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — sibling estrangement is more common than you think02:54 The data: nearly 1 in 4 adults have been estranged from a sibling05:18 Family systems theory and triangulation07:36 Parental partisanship: favoritism and the "scapegoat" child09:59 When sibling relationships become collateral damage in parent conflict12:21 Why some generations never learned to resolve conflict14:38 Destabilizing conduct, risk containment, and sibling violence18:15 Absent foundations: when childhood bonds were never built20:39 How family estrangement fuels your mental load21:30 Permission to put people on the "periphery" without guilt23:01 Setting boundaries doesn't make you a bad personResources Mentioned:📄 Research: Rin Resnick, Kane Taurus Beltran, and Candace Cretchfield (Ohio State University) on adult sibling estrangement📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)Stay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcastAbout MissPerceived:MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.#MissPerceived #FamilyEstrangement #SiblingRelationships #MentalLoad #Drained #ProfLeahRuppanner

Is optimizing every minute of your day actually making your life better — or just burning you out faster? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner makes the case that optimization culture, especially prevalent in the US, is quietly destroying our ability to rest, create, and simply live.Leah traces how we came to treat time itself as a resource to be maximized — a relatively recent social conditioning that emerged with industrialization — and explains why getting time back (from grocery delivery, AI, or any efficiency hack) rarely translates into rest. Instead, we immediately reinvest that saved time into more productivity, repeating a pattern seen since the first industrial revolution: every gain in efficiency just raises the bar for what "enough" looks like.She connects this to her research on the mental load, sharing a striking story about a woman who drops the activities that bring her joy in order to make more room for stressful, "productive" problem-solving — and asks why we've been trained to treat rest as wasteful. Leah also explores what Gen Z's resistance to hustle culture might mean for the future of work, and why AI and automation may only intensify the pressure to optimize rather than relieve it.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — is optimization good?01:00 Why optimization pressure feels different in the US vs. Australia02:20 How eroded social safety nets fuel the need to "game the system"04:41 Getting time back doesn't mean getting rest back06:00 A brief history: how time became a resource to optimize07:00 The fourth industrial revolution: AI, automation, and rising standards09:23 A woman's insight: dropping joy to make room for "productive" stress11:48 Why younger generations are rejecting hustle culture13:00 What happens when optimization stops being efficient at all14:14 How to reclaim mental space instead of constantly optimizingResources Mentioned:📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)📄 Bill Gates' annual letter on AI and the future of workStay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcastAbout MissPerceived:MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.#MissPerceived #Optimization #MentalLoad #Drained #ProfLeahRuppanner #Burnout #FutureOfWork

Can teaching your kids to notice mess actually lighten your mental load? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner shares a simple, viral tip from her friend Kate Mangino's Good Housekeeping article that's already resonating with thousands online.The idea is deceptively simple: we're not born noticing mess, disorder, or what needs to be done — we're taught to notice it. Kate's solution? Walk her kids around the house and ask them what they see as a problem. It didn't work perfectly at first, but over time, her children learned to notice what needed doing without being asked — and even started noticing different things at other people's houses, building empathy along the way.Leah connects this to her own research on the "messy house study" and the double standard men and women face around mess — including the surprising finding that men do see the mess just as clearly as women do. The real gap isn't perception, it's the emotional weight of noticing and feeling responsible for fixing it. This short but powerful episode gives you one concrete, doable tool to start redistributing that invisible mental load today.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — a tip from Kate Mangino that went viral01:00 We're not born noticing mess — we're trained to02:22 Teaching kids to notice: what Kate Mangino's family experiment looked like03:00 Why noticing at other people's houses builds empathy03:30 The gender socialization behind who notices what04:44 Leah's own research: men see the mess just as much as women05:30 Why "noticing" is really about emotional labor, not perception06:00 How to try this with your own familyResources Mentioned:📰 Kate Mangino's article in Good Housekeeping on teaching kids to notice housework📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)Stay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcastAbout MissPerceived:MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. This description contains affiliate links.#MissPerceived #MentalLoad #Drained #ProfLeahRuppanner #Parenting #DomesticLabor

Friday Night Lights, weekly spirit-day outfits, tailgates, private coaches, group chats tracking every practice and sign-up — Professor Leah Ruppanner just moved back to the US after 13 years in Australia, and youth sports culture hit her like a truck. In this episode of MissPerceived, Leah unpacks how American youth sports have become a multi-thousand-dollar investment in kids' "dreams," why it's a hedge that rarely pays off, and how it quietly reshapes the family mental load — including sharp gender divides in which sports (and which kids) actually get the resources.Leah shares stories from her own daughter's flag football season, contrasts American sports culture with the more community-focused, less commercialized approach she saw in Australia, and dives into research showing that while dads are often the ones handling sports logistics and correspondence, moms still end up doing the invisible cleanup work when something falls through the cracks. She also introduces a live research project on where your family's school and extracurricular correspondence is really coming from — and invites you to be part of the data.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — back in the US and immersed in Southern sports culture01:30 A new research project: where is your correspondence coming from?02:26 Why dads often take the lead on sports logistics (and where it breaks down)04:45 Youth sports as a "lottery investment" in your child's future07:11 Friday Night Lights: money, tailgates, and weekly spirit outfits09:11 The gender gap: cheerleaders, flag football, and unequal investment09:34 Comparing US and Australian sports culture11:50 How you can contribute to Leah's live research on sports and the mental loadResources Mentioned:Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah RuppannerFree Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com) Upcoming survey: share your experience with youth sports and the mental loadStay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcast

"The mental load doesn't exist. It's just something women made up to make men feel bad." If you talk about the mental load online, you've seen this comment — and in this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner takes it head on.Leah unpacks why this response shows up constantly (and mostly from men) whenever she, Morgan Cutlip, or Zach Watson post about the mental load, and why the discomfort behind it actually proves the point. She traces the mental load back to 1970s research, redefines it as emotional thinking work (not just remembering things, but remembering things while carrying the anxiety of what happens if you forget), and explains why everyone — including the guy leaving the comment — carries a mental load, just distributed differently.The episode also dives into a powerful listener comment about "linear" versus "messy middle" mental load: the privilege of simply thinking something and doing it, versus the exhausting work of anticipating, monitoring, and juggling a hundred what-ifs that never fully resolve. Leah connects this to her seven mental load stages from Drained and makes the case for why acknowledging invisible labor — at home and at work — is the first step to sharing it.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — becoming an "influencer" and reading the comments01:00 The comment that keeps showing up: "the mental load isn't real"02:16 Where the mental load term actually comes from (hint: the 1970s)04:30 Redefining the mental load as emotional thinking work06:48 Why everyone carries a mental load — just a different composition09:06 Eloise's comment: linear mental load vs. the "messy middle"11:23 Why moving through tasks without worry is actually a privilege13:39 How to acknowledge invisible labor and start sharing itResources Mentioned:📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)📄 Research: Leah Ruppanner, Liz Dean, and Brendan Churchill on the emotional thinking work definition of the mental loadStay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcastAbout MissPerceived:MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.#MissPerceived #MentalLoad #Drained #ProfLeahRuppanner #GenderEquality #Relationships