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Footballland
S02 E11 | The Cristiano Ronaldo Rocket
Season 2, Ep. 11
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This week on Footballland we're sending Cristiano Ronaldo into space and never bringing him back, we're setting up a creche overseen by Brian Kidd and 92 goats, and we're building a massive bouncy castle in the shape of St James' Park where YOU TOO can be washed by former Newcastle legends Les Ferdinand and Warren Barton! Who wouldn't want to be lathered up by a Toon great?
The Ronaldo Rocket
Cristiano Ronaldo loves that ridiculous Siiiiiiiuuu celebration, doesn't he? But the trouble is, he always lands on the ground afterwards. A not exactly impressive loyalty to gravity by the second greatest footballer in the world. So what if we nicked Jeff Bezos's rocket, chucked Ronaldo inside it after scoring a tap in, and gave him the ultimate Siiiu celebration?
Brian Kidd's Kids
Ryan brings us his vision of a creche manned by 92 goats, all with slightly different accents. Each goat will be responsible for ONE child, so you can leave your little ones to enjoy the park without your youngest spoiling the day. But NEVER acknowledge Brian Kidd's success at running a successful creche, you hear us? JUST DON'T DO IT.
Bouncy Newcastle Hypnotising Sports Wash
You know what the trouble is with taking over a Premier League football club to soften your nation's human rights image? Only fans of that club go along with the plan. There's way too much complaining from rival sets of fans. It's almost as if those fans need to be.... hypnotised?
So, there's your three rides this week. Now it's your turn to get involved! Send us your ride ideas and we'll feature them all!
With love from
Anthony Richardson - CEO
Mark Davison - Chief Ride Engineer
Ryan Baxter - Still intern
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Footballland Trailer
01:31||Season 0, Ep. 0Come help us build the world's first football theme park, Footballland!Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given 1 Billion US Dollars by the state of Qatar, to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar, to be ready in time for World Cup 2022. Unfortunately, Anthony has never built a theme park before, so he's enlisted the help of his friend and colleague Mark Davison. Unfortunately, Mark Davison has no experience of building theme parks either, but by this point it's too late to give the money back, as they've spent some of it on a new laptop and a really nice pen.Every week Anthony and Mark will plan out their football theme park and take ideas and ride designs from special guests including comedians, footballers, musicans and journalists, none of whom have any experience building theme parks.Come join us at Footballland! "Our Goal Is Your Dreams!" "Where Dreams Are Kicked About!" "Come In And Kick The Magic!" "The Beautiful Game (Park)!" "Come Score Some Pleasure!"
1. S01 E01 | Jimmy Conrad's Conrad3000 | Footballland
31:01||Season 1, Ep. 1Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandExclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandFOOTBALLLAND EP 1 - Featuring Special Guest Jimmy Conrad! RIDES DESIGNED - The Conrad3000, The Leicester City Fairytale Ride, The Tunnel Of Vagner/Donald Love.After Anthony accidentally receives $1 Billion from Qatar to build the world's first football theme park in time for the World Cup in 2022, he names himself CEO, gives Mark Davison the title Chief Ride Engineer and rents an office somewhere in Winchester. The boys have a very short time window to design this park but thankfully they've enlisted the help of former USA defender Jimmy Conrad, who's from California and therefore has an extensive knowledge of theme park culture. Sadly, the discussion with Jimmy doesn't go to plan.
2. S01 E02 | Marek Larwood's Football Hunger Games | Footballland
31:54||Season 1, Ep. 2Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandExclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandFOOTBALLLAND EP 2 - Featuring Special Guest Marek Larwood.RIDES DESIGNED - The Football Hunger Games, Steve 'Mechanical' Bull After Anthony accidentally receives $1 Billion from Qatar to build the world's first football theme park in time for the World Cup in 2022, he names himself CEO, gives Mark Davison the title Chief Ride Engineer and rents an office somewhere in Winchester.In today's meeting Mark proposes four separate Footballland theme tunes, Anthony introduces his ride Steve 'Mechanical' Bull and comedian Marek Larwood pitches his exhibit 'The Football Hunger Games', in which a selection of former 'hard-men' footballers fight to the death for the park visitors' amusement.
3. S01 E03 | Giggsy's Garden and Sir Alex Ferguson's Mindgames | Footballland
27:20||Season 1, Ep. 3Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandExclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandFOOTBALLLAND EP 3 - Featuring Special Guest Nim OdedraRIDES DESIGNED - The 'Betrayal Monorail' with Giggsy's Garden, plus The Sir Alex Ferguson Mindgames ExperienceAfter Anthony accidentally receives $1 Billion from Qatar to build the world's first football theme park in time for the World Cup in 2022, he names himself CEO, gives Mark Davison the title Chief Ride Engineer and rents an office somewhere in Winchester.This week Mark dreams up a giant Sir Alex Ferguson shaped head in which park guests are psychologically tortured, plus special guest Nim Odedra brings us an important piece of infrastructure - the monorail. However, like all rides at Footballland, this has a weird twist.
4. S01 E04 | Asscoffiation Noshball - Footballland's Exciting New Restaurant | Footballland
32:46||Season 1, Ep. 4Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandExclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandFootballland Episode 4 - Introducing Footballland's premier dining experience: Asscoffiation Noshball! That is a play on words of 'Association Football.' It's nothing to do with 'scoffing ass' or 'noshing off balls.' This restaurant features a multi-course tasting menu which leads football fans on a culinary adventure from the invention of the game in the 19th century to the present day! Eat the foods footballers would have eaten, from full meat roasts in the 1880s, to fish and chips, bitter, then lager, then another lager, then healthy carbohydrates in the 90s all the way to a Skittles Vodka aperitif! Are those rumbling stomachs we can hear?
5. S01 E05 | Eggsy's School Sports Simulator | Footballland
34:37||Season 1, Ep. 5Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandhttps://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandFOOTBALLLAND Ep 5 - Feat Eggsy From Goldie Lookin' Chain Eggsy popped into Footballand HQ this week to pitch his Westworld-style ride idea - The School Sports Football Simulator. Relive your schooldays on Footballland's state-of-the-art muddy football pitch, complete with overbearing PE teacher and gigantic 'bigger boys,' all while the weather simulator chucks down sleeting rain and freezes your nuts off. Paying to have a terrible time? It's the British way! Plus Anthony and Mark bring us the Steve Kabba-ret, the Premier League dinner entertainment show! It features the Dele Dancers, Ian Rush's remote controlled moustache, and Bryan Robson's Escape The Drop. Careful he doesn't get his hair in your soup!
6. S01 E06 | Paul Dummett's Meat & Potato Funfair | Footballland
29:22||Season 1, Ep. 6Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandhttps://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandFOOTBALLLAND Ep 6 - Feat Pete Donaldson Roll Up! Roll Up! Come join Pete Donaldson as he pitches a brand new carnival sideshow at Footballland - Paul Dummett's Meat & Potato Funfair! The fair includes Gazza's Hook a Duck, The Drink Driving Dodgems and Steve McClaren whispering accents in your ear from around the world! This week is also our first Public Consultation Special. Due to the terms of our Patreon, we're contractually obliged to discuss ride ideas from our backers, and discuss them we do! Proposals include Cristiano Ronaldo's Hall of Mirrors and Nigel De Jong's Clog Flume. Footballland is really starting to come on as a theme park, and we can't wait for you to get inside it.
7. S01 E07 | Hasta La Vista Cantona! | Footballland
25:32||Season 1, Ep. 7Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandExclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandIn another successful and productive meeting, we welcome two more rides to the world's first football themed theme park! This week Mark Davison brings us his vision of The Squeaky Bumtime Arena, Footballland's stadium, which is shaped like a bottom. Also we welcome comedians The Delightful Sausage, who bring to the park their Westworld-style experiential ride, Hasta La Vista Cantona. And finally, may we introduce our newest employee at Footballland, Ryan Baxter (intern). Ryan's job is to iron out any logistical problems that might arise with the new development. His first job is to agree a deal with Leicester Cathedral for the bones of King Richard III. Footballland Explained:Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.
8. S01 E08 | Wag's Corner | Footballland
27:46||Season 1, Ep. 8Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballlandSign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballlandWe have another episode of Footballland for you, which features THREE new attractions at Footballland:- Enhancers Sports Bar. This bar is stocked with performance enhancing drugs, enabling guests to relax, socialise and beat their 100 metre sprint time on the purpose built barside running track. - National Anthem Autotune. Footballers rarely sing their national anthems in tune, so Mark has come up with the perfect solution. - Wag's Corner. We invited Joe Comedy Award winner Rosie Holt to pitch her idea, which seems to be a football male brothel. We can't wait to build it. But sad news, as Ryan has spotted a potential problem with Steve 'Mechanical' Bull. And we have more ideas from Patrons and members of the public. Footballland Explained:Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.