Football Ranter

⚠️ Warning:This episode contains industrial-grade ranting, weaponised opinions, and a Jonathan-Morley-shaped, ginger-nut-sack energy individual who treats the internet like a public inquiry into his feelings.If you believe football discourse should be calm, balanced, or useful — turn back now. There is no hope for you.In this week’s carnage:🧠 Chapo attempts rational thought and immediately abandons it🍷 Bomb drinks an entire bottle of wine to lift music — accidentally creates the perfect intro📱 A Jonathan-Morley-shaped nut sack posts through pure vibes and Wi-Fi rage🔴 Arsenal discourse reduced to “I watched the game actually” versus spreadsheets⚽ Liverpool mentioned once and somehow Arsenal still live rent-free in everyone’s head📊 Stats hurled like piss-filled water balloons (accuracy optional)🗣️ “Just asking questions” deployed as a full defensive system🪓 Tony declares the Stick of Justice should be applied to comment sections🐼 Trossard dragged in again for reasons nobody — including Trossard — understands🍺 Old Man in the Chair says “block him” and achieves instant inner peace🚨 The internet once again proves access ≠ intelligenceSo pour something strong, mute your mentions, and join Bomb & Chapo for the RANTUMUS EDITION — where football chat finally admits what it really is: vibes, grudges, and lads shouting into the void.💩 P.S. This is satire. If you’re angry, it might be about you.💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

⚠️ Warning: A boiler, a vape, and a Bundesliga highlight reel walk into a pub and somehow Arsenal still bottle it. Between VAR smoke, Klopp worship, and a tiny German midfielder giving everyone an existential crisis, the Tun hits new levels of combustible nonsense.In this week’s carnage:💨 Chapo hallucinates from boiler vapours and declares himself head of UEFA Comms🔴 Arsenal praised, mocked, then diagnosed with chronic bottle-syndrome within three minutes🧠 Tony compares Arteta’s tactics to “trying to toast bread with a lighter”🧴 Irish Ken sells “official VAR fog” bottled from the men’s toilets⚽ Liverpool fans re-write history while Jürgen’s veneers blind two pensioners💩 Florian Wirtz described as “the size of a lamppost plug-socket” yet apparently the second coming📺 VAR replay replaced by a YouTube clip titled “Wirtz vs Physics 2024”🪓 Stick of Justice used to point at the telly every time Trent misplaces a pass🐼 Existential question raised: Is Leandro Trossard actually a panda in disguise?🍺 Old Man in the Chair demands “proper football” and immediately falls asleep🚓 Police arrive over “unlicensed punditry” and leave arguing about xGSo crack a tin, inhale the fog, and join Chapo AND Bomb as the lads dissect Arsenal’s mood swings, Liverpool’s deluded fans moral-superiority complex, and the legend of the five-foot-three phenom Florian "£8.5m" Wirtz all through a haze of burnt heater oil and bad decisions.💩 P.S. VAR still stands for Very Arse Results.💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

⚠️ Warning: The Buttock Derby delivered everything the FA handbook explicitly forbids fake kits, flying handbags, and a referee who pulled his hamstring halfway through booking a man with extra toes.In this week’s carnage:🥴 Irish Ken’s “Real Madrid” shirts disintegrate before kick-off⚽ Meoff actually plays football, then immediately regrets it🦶 Six-Toes Derek scores, two-foots, and re-enacts Mortal Kombat🍑 Referee’s left cheek explodes mid-card-wave🪓 Tony brandishes the Stick of Justice while flogging knock-off air-fryers👩‍👜 Six-Toes’ mum vaults the barrier and drops the ref with a Primark haymaker🐕 The Labrador saves the day (again) and earns Man of the Match🚓 Local police arrive and arrest the concept of fair playSo pour a pint, brace your earholes, and join Chapo for the official Hawk & Tun post-match report —where football occasionally happens between acts of violence.💩 P.S. White Hearts finished with nine men.💩 P.P.S. The ref’s still icing his bum.💩 P.P.P.S. Sheffied is still 💩

⚠️ Warning: Chapo’s back from COVID, Bomb’s been on the Staropramen, and somehow Paris, beer maths, and Jesus’ biscuit knees all make sense after ten minutes. Expect lager-fuelled logic, Essex League nostalgia, and more theology than Sky Sports could stomach.In this week’s carnage:🍺 Bomb swears he out-scored Gabriel Jesus “in the Essex Sunday League, mate”💶 Chapo breaks down Paris pint economics (€8 happy hour / €14 sadness)🤖 Chapo’s Amazon hub explodes mid-pod claims “AI rendering farm interference”💬 AFTV roasted into orbit Lee Gunner declared “a twat”😷 Chapo confesses to COVID, Wi-Fi exorcisms and a new German boss who quotes ’Allo ’Allo!⚽ Saka praised, Mainoo compared, United Trey slandered, and the lads still find time to call Liverpool fans delusional🚨 David Coote branded “90-grand wrong’un” and sentenced (by us) to rot👕 Hawk & Tun FC update: new kits, new players, Man in Chair upgraded to a folding throne with dual beer-holders🪓 Stick of Justice returns Bomb wields it like Thor with a hangover, smiting pundits, refs and anyone wearing a half-and-half scarf🎭 Manager chat turns into life coaching: Mourinho ego analysis, Ranieri therapy, and Pep worship😂 Bonus chaos: Victor Boniface’s four-girlfriend philosophy, kudos’ misplaced **** on Sky Sports, and Spurs still being Spurs💖 Ends wholesome: shout-outs to US, German and Qatari listeners, Brentford’s mental-health benches, and Palace’s aftercare for academy kids before another “**** Sheffield” sign-offTwo WhatsApp warriors. One barely-contained bromance that would fail every BBC background check.So crack a tin, brace your earholes, and join the world’s most chaotic pub-cast where football dies for your entertainment every single week, and there’s barely any rude writing on the toilet walls.💩 P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.💩 P.P.S. Whilst Sheffield is still a shithole, guess who edits the descriptions and hasn’t given BOM the password to get in and change it?

⚠️ Warning: Bomb still thinks bar staff are brain-dead chimps, Chapo’s been banned again, and somehow we’ve acquired both a DJ and a bloody vicar. There’s also a stag do, bad football takes, and enough chaos to pickle your nan.In this week’s carnage:🍷 Bomb wants a pint but calls the bar crew thick as pig shit🛵 Chapo now “does weddings” (yeah, imagine that with his mouth)⌨️ Chapo gets clattered by a munter on X and banned quicker than you can say “delete tweet”🤣 We’ve discovered the effects button turns out it’s like ket for your ears, and not the good kind💸 Guinness vs Ashi turns into the fiscal fight no one asked for⚽ Football: butchered, shouted over, and laced with industrial-strength swearing (mostly Chapo)So neck a pint, crank your cans, and let us volley this circus of bollocks square into your sweaty nut-sack.We’re the Ranter Lads. Internet slags don’t say we didn’t warn ya.

⚠️ Warning: Bomb loses his rag with Chapo (again), we rinse Man U, Lee Gunner’s still Lee Gunner, and the mighty Grimsby get their due.In this week’s carnage:🍷 Bomb’s patience snaps during Chapo’s latest life-fail antics🛵 Chapo goes full rant mode at Lee “Skinny Harry Potter” Gunner⌨️ Keyboard warriors pile on a 16-year-old (we’re not having it)🤣 A 22-penalty shootout gets the Ranter Lads treatment💸 Big shout to LFC Shane and all the legends who listen in⚽ Yes, football is technically discussed… badly, loudly, and with plenty of swearingSo grab a pint, stick your cans on, and let the chaos volley you straight in the sweaty bollocks.We’re the Ranter Lads. You’re welcome, internet slags.

⚠️ Warning: Today’s sound quality is ropey. Not our fault, not our problem. We’ll fix it next time but let’s be real, you lot aren’t paying a penny for this anyway.In today’s episode:🍷 Bomb Taunts Chapo neck-deep in a tragic Chinese takeaway that looks like it came out the bin🛵 Chapo gets mugged off by a hotel over his food extreme begging vibes from him, zero dignity📅 A keyboard war: Dickhead Diddy vs. a Spurs fan… one of them leaves crying (no prizes for guessing)🤣 Tottenham bottle it again, because being Spursy is a full-time job💸 We “predict” the league winner and end up sounding like pissed-up fortune tellers with brain damage⚽ And yes, football gets mentioned… badlySo grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and let the chaos kick you in the bollocks.We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome, you slags.

In today’s episode:🍷 Bomb develops a taste for bargain-bin Co-op wine🛵 Chapo’s mouth could power a swear jar economy📅 Social media you lot are officially a bunch of scammers🤣 Sheffield Scots and Spurs fans… brace yourselves for that combo💸 We try to work out why everyone’s suddenly flashing the cash and buying stuff⚽ And yes we talk football, because of course we doSo grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and embrace the chaos.We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome.

In today’s episode: 🍺 Bomb necks cider like it's a sport 🏍️ We argue (loudly) about whether riding or driving a Harley is correct 🎉 We throw down the gauntlet to social media "you lot are planning Chapo’s stag do" 🧠 We get real about mental health 😂 We absolutely rinse Sheffield (again) 🕊️ We attempt to solve world peace (obviously) ⚽ And yes, we chat football because we’re not animalsSo crack open a cold one, chuck your headphones on, and join the chaos. We're the lads. You're welcome.