⚠️ Warning:This episode is a football rant at maximum volume.It contains impatience, contempt for grifters, timeline merchants, and lads baiting OnlyFans models for engagement like it’s a career path.If you trust Football Twitter, buy what influencers are selling, think bad takes deserve airtime, or believe replying “DM?” counts as discourse you are beyond help. Godspeed. <h3>In this week’s carnage:</h3> 🧠 Chapo scrolls once and immediately chooses violence🍷 Bomb drinks a full bottle of wine to lift music and unlocks feral clarity📱 Football Twitter becomes a jungle of bad tweets, louder voices, and zero shame🐍 Influencers flog snake oil, “systems,” and vibes-based expertise🔴 Arsenal discourse collapses into “I watched the game actually” versus unread spreadsheets⚽ Liverpool mentioned once and the team still argue with themselves for forty minutes📊 Stats screenshots launched with total confidence and no responsibility or care 🗣️ “Just asking questions” deployed as a full defensive system🪓 Tony insists the Stick of Justice would fix comment sections in under ten minutes if they dare🐼 Trossard dragged back in for reasons nobody can explain🍺 Old Man in the Chair says “block them” and reaches enlightenment💸 Only Rants in Pants™ — Chapo launches a one-man crusade rinsing engagement farmers and the reply-grift economy as football Twitter officially goes up for sale🚨 The internet once again proves that access does not equal intelligence So pour something strong, mute the replies, and join Bomb &amp; Chapo where football chat finally stops pretending it’s analysis and admits it’s shouting, grifting, and lads selling bollocks to other lads. 💩 P.S. It’s a rant. That’s the point.💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

Season 3 Episode 6 — “Only Rants in Pants: Football Twitter For Sale”

⚠️ Warning:This episode contains industrial-grade ranting, weaponised opinions, and a Jonathan-Morley-shaped, ginger-nut-sack energy individual who treats the internet like a public inquiry into his feelings.If you believe football discourse should be calm, balanced, or useful — turn back now. There is no hope for you. In this week’s carnage:🧠 Chapo attempts rational thought and immediately abandons it🍷 Bomb drinks an entire bottle of wine to lift music — accidentally creates the perfect intro📱 A Jonathan-Morley-shaped nut sack posts through pure vibes and Wi-Fi rage🔴 Arsenal discourse reduced to “I watched the game actually” versus spreadsheets⚽ Liverpool mentioned once and somehow Arsenal still live rent-free in everyone’s head📊 Stats hurled like piss-filled water balloons (accuracy optional)🗣️ “Just asking questions” deployed as a full defensive system🪓 Tony declares the Stick of Justice should be applied to comment sections🐼 Trossard dragged in again for reasons nobody — including Trossard — understands🍺 Old Man in the Chair says “block him” and achieves instant inner peace🚨 The internet once again proves access ≠ intelligence So pour something strong, mute your mentions, and join Bomb &amp; Chapo for the RANTUMUS EDITION — where football chat finally admits what it really is: vibes, grudges, and lads shouting into the void. 💩 P.S. This is satire. If you’re angry, it might be about you.💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

Season 3 Episode 6 — “RANTUMUS: The Internet, a Ginger NUT SACK Called Jonathan, and Zero Self-Awareness”

⚠️ Warning:&nbsp;A boiler, a vape, and a Bundesliga highlight reel walk into a pub and somehow Arsenal still bottle it.&nbsp;Between VAR smoke, Klopp worship, and a tiny German midfielder giving everyone an existential crisis, the Tun hits new levels of combustible nonsense. In this week’s carnage:💨 Chapo hallucinates from boiler vapours and declares himself head of UEFA Comms🔴 Arsenal praised, mocked, then diagnosed with chronic bottle-syndrome within three minutes🧠 Tony compares Arteta’s tactics to “trying to toast bread with a lighter”🧴 Irish Ken sells “official VAR fog” bottled from the men’s toilets⚽ Liverpool fans re-write history while Jürgen’s veneers blind two pensioners💩 Florian Wirtz described as “the size of a lamppost plug-socket” yet apparently the second coming📺 VAR replay replaced by a YouTube clip titled “Wirtz vs Physics 2024”🪓 Stick of Justice used to point at the telly every time Trent misplaces a pass🐼 Existential question raised: Is Leandro Trossard actually a panda in disguise?🍺 Old Man in the Chair demands “proper football” and immediately falls asleep🚓 Police arrive over “unlicensed punditry” and leave arguing about xG So crack a tin, inhale the fog, and join Chapo AND Bomb as the lads dissect Arsenal’s mood swings, Liverpool’s deluded fans moral-superiority complex, and the legend of the five-foot-three phenom Florian "£8.5m" Wirtz all through a haze of burnt heater oil and bad decisions. 💩 P.S. VAR still stands for Very Arse Results.💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

Season 3 Episode 5 — Fog, Fraud, Diminutive Florian Wirtz, and a Panda

⚠️ Warning: The Buttock Derby delivered everything the FA handbook explicitly forbids fake kits, flying handbags, and a referee who pulled his hamstring halfway through booking a man with extra toes. In this week’s carnage:🥴 Irish Ken’s “Real Madrid” shirts disintegrate before kick-off⚽ Meoff actually plays football, then immediately regrets it🦶 Six-Toes Derek scores, two-foots, and re-enacts Mortal Kombat🍑 Referee’s left cheek explodes mid-card-wave🪓 Tony brandishes the Stick of Justice while flogging knock-off air-fryers👩‍👜 Six-Toes’ mum vaults the barrier and drops the ref with a Primark haymaker🐕 The Labrador saves the day (again) and earns Man of the Match🚓 Local police arrive and arrest the concept of fair play So pour a pint, brace your earholes, and join Chapo for the official Hawk &amp; Tun post-match report —where football occasionally happens between acts of violence. 💩 P.S. White Hearts finished with nine men.💩 P.P.S. The ref’s still icing his bum.💩 P.P.P.S. Sheffied is still 💩

 Season 3 Episode 4 — The Buttock Derby

⚠️ Warning: Chapo’s back from COVID, Bomb’s been on the Staropramen, and somehow Paris, beer maths, and Jesus’ biscuit knees all make sense after ten minutes. Expect lager-fuelled logic, Essex League nostalgia, and more theology than Sky Sports could stomach. In this week’s carnage: 🍺 Bomb swears he out-scored Gabriel Jesus “in the Essex Sunday League, mate”💶 Chapo breaks down Paris pint economics (€8 happy hour / €14 sadness)🤖 Chapo’s Amazon hub explodes mid-pod claims “AI rendering farm interference”💬 AFTV roasted into orbit Lee Gunner declared “a twat”😷 Chapo confesses to COVID, Wi-Fi exorcisms and a new German boss who quotes ’Allo ’Allo!⚽ Saka praised, Mainoo compared, United Trey slandered, and the lads still find time to call Liverpool fans delusional🚨 David Coote branded “90-grand wrong’un” and sentenced (by us) to rot👕 Hawk &amp; Tun FC update: new kits, new players, Man in Chair upgraded to a folding throne with dual beer-holders🪓 Stick of Justice returns Bomb wields it like Thor with a hangover, smiting pundits, refs and anyone wearing a half-and-half scarf🎭 Manager chat turns into life coaching: Mourinho ego analysis, Ranieri therapy, and Pep worship😂 Bonus chaos: Victor Boniface’s four-girlfriend philosophy, kudos’ misplaced **** on Sky Sports, and Spurs still being Spurs💖 Ends wholesome: shout-outs to US, German and Qatari listeners, Brentford’s mental-health benches, and Palace’s aftercare for academy kids before another “**** Sheffield” sign-off Two WhatsApp warriors. One barely-contained bromance that would fail every BBC background check. So crack a tin, brace your earholes, and join the world’s most chaotic pub-cast where football dies for your entertainment every single week, and there’s barely any rude writing on the toilet walls. 💩 P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.💩 P.P.S. Whilst Sheffield is still a shithole, guess who edits the descriptions and hasn’t given BOM the password to get in and change it?

Season 3, Episode 3 — “The Stick of Justice Returns: Paris Pints, Biscuit Knees & Why Jesus Would Get Hooked at Half-Time in Sunday League.”

⚠️ Warning: Bomb still thinks bar staff are brain-dead chimps, Chapo’s been banned again, and somehow we’ve acquired both a DJ and a bloody vicar. There’s also a stag do, bad football takes, and enough chaos to pickle your nan. In this week’s carnage:🍷 Bomb wants a pint but calls the bar crew thick as pig shit🛵 Chapo now “does weddings” (yeah, imagine that with his mouth)⌨️ Chapo gets clattered by a munter on X and banned quicker than you can say “delete tweet”🤣 We’ve discovered the effects button turns out it’s like ket for your ears, and not the good kind💸 Guinness vs Ashi turns into the fiscal fight no one asked for⚽ Football: butchered, shouted over, and laced with industrial-strength swearing (mostly Chapo) So neck a pint, crank your cans, and let us volley this circus of bollocks square into your sweaty nut-sack. We’re the Ranter Lads. Internet slags don’t say we didn’t warn ya.

Kick-Off Chaos: Banned Chapo, Drunk Bomb, and a Vicar on the Wing

⚠️ Warning: Bomb loses his rag with Chapo (again), we rinse Man U, Lee Gunner’s still Lee Gunner, and the mighty Grimsby get their due. In this week’s carnage:🍷 Bomb’s patience snaps during Chapo’s latest life-fail antics🛵 Chapo goes full rant mode at Lee “Skinny Harry Potter” Gunner⌨️ Keyboard warriors pile on a 16-year-old (we’re not having it)🤣 A 22-penalty shootout gets the Ranter Lads treatment💸 Big shout to LFC Shane and all the legends who listen in⚽ Yes, football is technically discussed… badly, loudly, and with plenty of swearing So grab a pint, stick your cans on, and let the chaos volley you straight in the sweaty bollocks. We’re the Ranter Lads. You’re welcome, internet slags.

Man United in Pieces, Chapo Walks Out, and Sheffield Takes More Heat

The boys predict whos going to with the leauge

⚠️ Warning: Today’s sound quality is ropey. Not our fault, not our problem. We’ll fix it next time but let’s be real, you lot aren’t paying a penny for this anyway. In today’s episode: 🍷 Bomb Taunts Chapo neck-deep in a tragic Chinese takeaway that looks like it came out the bin🛵 Chapo gets mugged off by a hotel over his food extreme begging vibes from him, zero dignity📅 A keyboard war: Dickhead Diddy vs. a Spurs fan… one of them leaves crying (no prizes for guessing)🤣 Tottenham bottle it again, because being Spursy is a full-time job💸 We “predict” the league winner and end up sounding like pissed-up fortune tellers with brain damage⚽ And yes, football gets mentioned… badly So grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and let the chaos kick you in the bollocks. We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome, you slags.

Ain’t No Party Like a Lee Diddy Party Plus Who’s Gonna Tear the League a New One?

In today’s episode:🍷 Bomb develops a taste for bargain-bin Co-op wine🛵 Chapo’s mouth could power a swear jar economy📅 Social media you lot are officially a bunch of scammers🤣 Sheffield Scots and Spurs fans… brace yourselves for that combo💸 We try to work out why everyone’s suddenly flashing the cash and buying stuff⚽ And yes we talk football, because of course we doSo grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and embrace the chaos.We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome.

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