If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

With merritt aboard the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by talking about typesetting, sports jokes I didn't understand, the #1 Maryland Food Podcast™, sad stories about old dogs, the lamp you jerk off, off-gassing, and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Finally reunited after No Niki November, the gang wastes no time dissecting a new docket of topical issues facing today's youth, including Frank Sinatra, The Meat Zone, Michael's Milk, doorbells, crimeable acts, earbuds, blood vessels, battery-powered trash cans, and with the power of 1,000 suns, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

John, merritt and Michael are still legally allowed access to microphones (for now), and thus the show continues unabated, despite his best efforts. This week's topics of discussion include Uncrustables, an important clarification regarding Michael's Milk™, Kirby's secret origins, John's secret to huge numbers, mad cow disease, butt chugging, childhood trauma (unrelated), and despite pressure from our lawyers, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

We hope you're thirsty, because Michael, John and merritt are back with gallons of gossip and giggles for you to guzzle down your gullet! [Editor's note: I'm trying a new thing where the descriptions are really annoying, let me know what you think.] After our regular biweekly Bible sesh, the gang dishes over their favorite apocalypse-themed wrestlers, the ideal diner hot sauce, John from Cincinnati, pogs, and unbeknownst to many, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

No Niki November continues, with Michael, merritt and John doing their absolute best to keep this train on its tracks, with predictable results. Topics of discussion for this episode include the output of the USA Network between 2005 and 2016, "the first porno you watched," the existence of the Storkborn, ye olde Internet, buying CDs in 2025 and, if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

With Niki exiled to the International Space Station for No Niki November, friend of the show Michael Higham joins John and merritt for another round of ... whatever this is. The gang talks about baseball, AI-generated pictures of Shaq, how long we've had our phone numbers, the dating age limit, and some general information about Canada, as well as a a double edition of Scam Text Theater and, somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

In our most SCARETACULAR episode yet, John, merritt and Niki don their festive garb and roam the streets causing mischief. Between egging houses, our trio touches on a number of SCREAMIFYING topics, including the evolution of the Spirit Halloween business model, Dracula's Dulce de Leche Dream, if your hair and nails still grow when you're dead, historical use of cattle prods by Canadian law enforcement, a vampire dog, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

merritt, Niki and John spend an hour or so boiling life's issues down to their most distilled, relatable ingredients, and then snort or smoke them. This week's chemical additives include Major League Baseball, lower the ppm microplastic count of your jizz, manuka honey, an installment of Scam Text Theater that is truly one for the books, and if you still have room for dessert, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Niki and John welcome merritt back from her Las Vegas vacation(?), and after we find out how much money she lost, the show quickly moves on to other topics, which include (but are not limited to) time share presentations, Scam Text Theater entries from all three hosts(!!!), figuring out a Halloween costume for Niki, the lore of Family Matters, and if you listen closely, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving