If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

John, Niki and merritt assess the 2026 Met Gala in real time, providing up-to-the-minute details and analysis of all the freaks in their weird getups, in addition to discussing related topics such as future Met Gala theme ideas, the surgery that makes you Korean, what constitutes a helmet, Eli Lilly's iron grasp on your grandma, defunct social media networks, and gang? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

merritt, Niki and John talk about Ted Lasso for a really, really long time, after which they discuss shoes, the legend of Achilles, the Will Smith vehicle Hancock, and now that the gang is back together, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

merritt's back in space for some reason, I dunno I've lost track, but John and Niki are still here holding down the fort and talking about important issues that affect our lives daily, including the Pope, phone calls from Burger King, the sad tale of albert the alligator, the new fockers movie, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

John, Niki and merritt pause their Smut-Busting activities to refocus on more pressing matters, which include (but are not limited to) Shrek 5, the new "patched' Whopper® from Burger King (Home of the Whopper®), leaving important voicemails for important people, the burgers they got on the space station, HEB(!!!!), dating Shaboozey and, somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

merritt reunites with John and Niki via satellite for an update on the status of the Artemis II mission (which everyone on the show was definitely aware of), a brief discussion about various use cases for pneumatic tubes in the household, the plot to kill the baseball child, merritt's first royalty check from Marvel Comics, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Apparently it's Elevator Week, so John, Michael and Niki discuss a number of topics relevant to the theme, including what everyone's favorite elevator is, whether you press the open/close door buttons, the Guardians of the Galaxy redesign of the Tower of Terror, elevators with various interior finishes, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Friend of the Show™ Michael Higham joins Niki and John for an episode of our audio television program wherein the gang discusses Niki falling down the stairs, various types of dog food, getting a burger after that big win, "fuck-ass food," the stagnation of western cultural development since the proliferation of the Internet, and yeah, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

With merritt once again visiting the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by investigating Taco Bell's desperate new menu items, the contents of Niki's mail, what Enron was or did, the difference between then and now (money ver.), Niki's new health insurance, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving