wizard van? no?

LB, Niki and John, having achieved unparalleled success as super-famous TikTok influencers, return to their humble podcasting roots for another round of important discussions, including (but not limited to) how much of acting is just demon possession, that Drew Carey tweet, white people music, discovering the source of 95% of the stress in LB's life, and dude, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

Grandson

Jordan is here! 

With John trapped in the 1990s, producer Jordan joins Niki and LB for the typical weekly slate of activities, which includes inventing new kinds of gambling, coming up with a new big titty anime lady-based form of financial investment, peeing into the little cup, Niki's new friend Juliette, and somehow ... even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

I Want to Give You $700

PO Box 69, just write it on the guitar

With Jordan back on the sticks, LB, John and Niki return to their regular work of discussing the most pressing issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including the existential pain of being in the audience for bad comedy, the dire comments on our good TikToks, heroin as a venture investment, the good ol' days of file sharing, the best grass for where you live, Snoopy and how great he is, the American flag, and somehow, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

Ducks in the Hood

Another farting controversy

With Jordo away at a sensual conference for banjo frogs, the gang are actually pretty well-behaved. We talk about water bottles, the very worst songs we know, cereal, gifts for kids, and probably even more. I don't remember. Jordo usually writes these and knows what we talked about in the episode. Frankly I'm not sure. It's probably funny though. Hopefully. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

Demonstration of Licking, Eating, and Drinking

With Niki trapped in the labyrinthine tunnels beneath the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center, emergency reserve friend merritt k joins LB and John to discuss websites about eating metal, Bigfoot's dick, an interesting car LB spotted and its resulting bevy of secrets, who we would impersonate if we were to impersonate a celebrity, the secret to a successful marriage, sexy entertainment value, and somehow, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

I Want to Eat Metal

ariana grande broke up spongebob's marriage

LB, Niki and John open their ongoing notes document and attack this week's agenda, which includes John's new screenplay idea, a new crops-based gambling venture, solving Bruno Mars' gambling debt situation, finding new tax loopholes, addressing the issue of how many years there are, LB's dog's secret Facetime calls to John, a really unfortunate hamburger, and kitten, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

A Million Monkeys Typing in a Room

⚠ MAUL WATCH RETURNS ⚠

John, LB and Niki take a trip down memory lane, reminiscing over what it was like to live in the era of "the TV is on," in addition to nuanced discussions of softcore pornography; John's dog's ballsack; sending butthole pics to Matt; if Starbucks had a conversation pit; soaking; the return of MAUL WATCH; Niki's Tiktok dream; and darlin', somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

What Can You Do with a Giraffe

santa pj selfie needed

The crying sky of Los Angeles, which cannot be consoled, will not prevent LB, Niki and John from discussing the various ongoing perils surrounding one of history's greatest sports (video games), in addition to Niki's mounting CPAP debt; bog standard cheating on your wife stuff; getting AMPED; lesbians!!!; if bus is car; more quality products from the fine folks at Temu; and my sweet summer child, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

Body Part of a White Person

Meet Kelly 🤝

Niki and LB help an extremely sleepy John overcome his post-flight fatigue by discussing the mysterious woman he saw at the airport; the food in New Orleans; Niki's new best friend Kelly 🤝; LB getting they German passport; if Scandal was made for $10; using Cameo to ask questions questions of the people reading messages on Cameo; and if you can believe it, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Who are we?: We are&nbsp;Niki Grayson (<a href="https://twitter.com/godsewa" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/godsewa</a>) (the Buster Keaton of basketball),&nbsp;John Warren (<a href="https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult</a>) (business boy and wassail pervert, short),&nbsp;LB Hunktears (<a href="https://twitter.com/hunktears" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/hunktears</a>) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer&nbsp;Jordan Mallory (<a href="https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/</a>) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (<a href="https://maxds.itch.io/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://maxds.itch.io/</a>). Follow the show: <a href="https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving</a> Support us: <a href="https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving</a>

Adult Woman Pageant

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

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