Having Fibromyalgia, lung problems and back problems, I really miss who I used to be. There are four things related to my lung problems, Lung Restricted Disease, Acid Reflux, Vocal Cords getting stuck or being Paralyzed and Fibromyalgia which all four problems are working against each other. I will be having my face numbed and a camera inserted in my nose Tuesday at 2pm, to look into the back of my throat. To look at my lungs, my vocal cords and the damage that was done in the back of my throat due to my acid reflux. You are on your own when no one really understands the reality you are facing. That you are scared and terrified even if you don’t show it. No one really cares what you are going through, unless they have something that benefits them. Missing me, I didn’t have a strain of my voice, I wasn’t in and out of the hospital. I didn’t have eight surgeries within the last five years. No one answers their phone unless they want something. You always have to reach out first. No one actually checks on you because they expect you to be strong. Why do you think I disappeared and that I have a small circle? I am tired of giving everything, when I don’t expect anything in return. I came close to dying four times and the three times on the operating table. My heart and breathing stopped, but no one cared. If anyone wants a relationship with me, I won’t give until I am drained. I am too tired to give everything and never get anything in return even though I don’t ask for it. Something has to change, because I am too tired to care or to put in more effort, I am exhausted and done.
When you are in love with someone, you were just afraid it would end badly or that the other person didn’t feel same. You afraid that you took it too far, even though they want you to take it at your pace. That’s why there was back and forth, but now you understand that the both of you are on the same page. Nothing will get in between the both of you. You love the person for who they are. You don’t want them to change, just because you are in a relationship with them. Waves meet your shore, I am always yours. Ever since the day our eyes met, it was like love at first sight. Our souls connected for a reason and there is nothing holding you back. You want to continue forward because this story isn’t ending.
The taste of his lips, the warmth of his arms being wrapped around my body. The pink sky, the clouds shaped like hearts. Keeping you warm is my idea of luxury. I don’t need the expensive things or to be spoiled. Just late-night talk, or hours of talking that’s my idea of luxury as well. Hand in hand, time seems to slow down when it’s just you and me. Even in a crowded room everyone seems disappears. Seeing you down the hall, where our eyes meet, or you finding me in the crowd. There is no point in hiding from you. From the first touch, to the first time we ran into each other, from that day forward nothing has ever been the same. I remember you saying “Someday I am going to date that girl”, I never forgot that. I was red in the face, but I remember everything.
