Cat Noir Comedy Podcast

Mr Godwin is looking for love. Unfortunately he is looking for it on an app provided by his new next door neighbour

who has built a casino in his loft. Can Mr Godwin beats the odds to find love before the council offices open on

Wednesday or has he had his chips?

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Geoff the Baker spins right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, round, round.

But he hasn't thought this though, and is now dizzy.

______

SPIV: Previously on Cat Noir…

Short summary of the last episode over the end version of the CAT NOIR THEME

SPIV: Cat Noir presents… Dates are not the only fruit. Written and performed by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

SCENE ONE: Restaurant

Mr Godwin is in a restaurant with a variety of females. The scene plays as a montage with Mr Godwin doing a voiceover with no background sounds on those lines.

MR GODWIN: (Voiceover) I started to use the app, just as my neighbour had shown me. After months of not getting any matches, I changed my profile picture to that of Brad Pitt. Again, another useful suggestion from next door. Suddenly I was matching with someone new every day. However, I never realised dating could be so hard…

MISS DYSON: …so I said to them, "you'll never take me alive coppers!"

MR GODWIN: I don't condone gun violence or disrespecting the law.

MISS DYSON: Don't worry I didn't kill anyone that time.

MR GODWIN: That time?

MAMA: Come to me baby.

MR GODWIN: I'm not sure this is appropriate in a public place.

MAMA: Sit on my lap and lick my face.

MR GODWIN: I think I've left the gas on. I better hurry home.

MAMA: Oh dear. Once you turn the gas on, there is no way to stop the pressure in the pipes. If you get my drift.

MR GODWIN: I'm not sure I do.

MAMA: You can't just turn the gas on and then off straight away. You will need to do some cooking.

MR GODWIN: Right. Erm… What… What are we cooking?

MAMA: Anything. The gas is on full and I am boiling in the pan.

MR GODWIN: I don't understand.

MAMA: I'm dripping over the side and streaming up the room.

MR GODWIN: I really do need to leave.

GORMLESS: I'm a maid in a county house and I'm Gormless.

MR GODWIN: You're what?

GORMLESS: Gormless. That's my name sir.

MR GODWIN: Please don't call me that. Try Philip.

GORMLESS: Yes Mr Philip sir.

MR GODWIN: I'm sure your profile said your name was Trixie. And it's just Philip. No sir.

GORMLESS: I don't use my real name on the app Just Philip, no sir. You can never be too careful. There's a lot of weirdos about.

MR GODWIN: Indeed.

GORMLESS: I do hope this date is taking place before the Bumpkin Manor episodes, or I'm dead. Now there's a funny thought. Have you ever dated anyone who might be dead?

MR GODWIN: (Voiceover) I'd had enough. There is only so much one can take. I headed back home to visit my neighbour.

SCENE TWO: The casino

Mr Godwin is in Spiv's house. He continues his voiceover, but it is clear he has been relaying this information to Spiv.

MR GODWIN: After that date, we had another a few days later. I thought everything was going well. Then she never replied to any more of my messages.

SPIV: Sounds like she's ghosted you.

MR GODWIN: My god. I hope she isn't dead.

SPIV: Nah. Ghosting. She's not an actual ghost, she just decided not to continue talking to you.

MR GODWIN: Well, why didn't she say that?

SPIV: Just the way it works governor. You chat, go on a date then never speak again.

MR GODWIN: She could have just said she didn't want to chat anymore.

SPIV: It's the way dating is in this day and age. Don't worry, there's plenty more fishfingers in the sea.

MR GODWIN: I chatted to one lady for a whole week. Every ten minutes, message after message, then when I suggested we meet up, she said we didn't have a connection.

Listen in to get more...

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy