Share

cover art for dysfunctional family roles – part 5: hidden agendas (the peacemaker/mediator and narcissistic traits) [preview]

Back From The Borderline

dysfunctional family roles – part 5: hidden agendas (the peacemaker/mediator and narcissistic traits) [preview]

•

Welcome back to our deep dive into the heart of dysfunctional family dynamics. This is the final episode of our series where each segment builds upon the last, further unraveling the complex roles that shape not just family life but our individual paths. If this is your first time joining us, consider starting with Episode 1, "Dysfunctional Family Roles – Part 1: Decoding the Dynamics of Dysfunction," to catch the full scope of our exploration. In this episode, we're capping off our series by examining two pivotal roles in the dance of family dynamics: The Peacemaker/Mediator and those with Narcissistic Traits. In this episode, we delve deep into these roles and their intricate interrelations—exploring how peacemakers often find themselves entangled with narcissistic behaviors, both overt and covert, and the profound impact these dynamics have on family systems.

 

Why do some individuals take on the role of the peacekeeper, and how might this well-intentioned behavior enable narcissistic manipulation? How does covert narcissism mask itself as peacemaking, complicating the detection and understanding of these traits within familial relationships? We'll dissect these roles to understand the toll they take on those who bear them and the broader implications for the family. Drawing from real-life narratives, including personal accounts from Reddit, we explore the challenges and coping mechanisms of those enmeshed in these roles. From the overt displays of narcissism to the hidden agendas of the covert narcissist, we unpack how these dynamics play out in real-world settings, shaping everything from personal development to family equilibrium.

 

Join me as we conclude our exploration, aiming not only to unveil the complex layers of these roles but also to provide insights and strategies for recognizing and breaking free from the dysfunctional patterns they often sustain. Let's peel back the final layers of family myths to reveal the stark realities that lie beneath, offering pathways to understanding and healing.

 

TIME STAMPS:

 

04:34.69 – 41:32.16: PART 1 (Introducing the Peacemaker/Mediator role, its characteristics, impact on family dynamics, emotional and psychological toll, and common signs to identify peacemakers. Disclaimer on diagnosing personality disorders, understanding narcissistic traits, and discussion on overt narcissism.)

 41:32.16 – 01:21:40.41: PART 2 (Exploration of covert and malignant narcissism, their characteristics, impact on relationships, covert narcissism deception, distinguishing between true peacemakers and covert narcissists, interaction dynamics, real-world implications, strategies for recognition and adaptation, cultural variations, and the impact on family dynamics. Concluding with a segment on healing and breaking free from dysfunctional family roles.)


Enjoyed this episode? Explore more as a Premium Submarine. Dive deep into hundreds of hours of ad-free exclusive content and full-length episodes on Patreon, including my original BPD recovery series, guided meditations, and much more. Click here to preview the premium collections you’ll unlock access to for as little as a couple of cups of coffee a month. Learn more and join at backfromtheborderline.com.


The information contained in this podcast episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional.

More episodes

View all episodes

  • the death of the people-pleaser: how self-abandonment becomes a survival strategy

    49:19|
    This episode is a deep dive into the psychological, spiritual, and mythic roots of people-pleasing and why this pattern exists in the first place. We explore how early childhood conditioning teaches us that love must be earned through caretaking, emotional labor, and self-erasure. From there, we dissect the roles many of us take on - empath, gifted child, good daughter - and trace how these identities shape our nervous systems and relationships long into adulthood.We go beyond pop psychology and talk about the less acknowledged side of people-pleasing: its deeply controlling nature. When love becomes transactional, we confuse being needed with being safe. We unpack the fantasy of managing other people’s emotions to keep chaos at bay, and how this behavior can evolve into resentment, burnout, and even serious health consequences. We also discuss the smother-mother archetype, what it looks like in relationships, and how people-pleasing patterns get passed down generationally, often with the best of intentions.This episode offers a way out. We walk through how to interrupt the reflex to soothe, fix, and explain. If you’ve felt trapped in your role as the emotional anchor for everyone else, this conversation might give you language for something you’ve always felt but never fully understood. It’s time to finally step out of the performance and learn to live a life that’s fully yours. GO DEEPER WITH HUNDREDS OF BONUS EPISODES + WEEKLY PATHWORK PROMPTS. Unlock my FULL ARCHIVE of members-only content + Patreon exclusives:PATHWORK → Weekly self-inquiry prompts to turn insight into transformation.THE CONSCIOUSNESS STREAM → Raw, unfiltered deep dives.THE DEEP CUT → Structured breakdowns of esoteric + psychological themes.BONUS EPISODES + RESOURCES → Hundreds of hours of hidden gems.Start exploring right now for FREE and see everything waiting for you at backfromtheborderline.com.

  • TDC_21: the secret sauce to awakening? paradox.

    17:31|
    There are some episodes that meet you where you are. This is not one of those. This episode is for those standing at the threshold where healing is no longer purely about “symptom relief” and starts becoming a deeper confrontation with reality itself. If you’re beginning to sense that “the work” isn’t as simple as a life-long unpacking of what happened to you, but instead a process of becoming the kind of psyche that can hold complexity without shutting down, this conversation will have arrived right on time. We’ll spend this entire episode talking about Paradox as a living structure within the mind. Drawing from the work of Elaine Pagels, we’ll explore how the confrontation with polar opposites (sanity and madness, suffering and meaning, spiritual sovereignty and communal longing, control and surrender) drives the intellect into exhaustion and invites a different kind of knowing. And I believe that it is this exact kind of knowing that leads to spiritual and emotional growth that leads to what we call “awakening,” This is the lived experience of anyone trying to walk the long and painful path from fragmentation to wholeness.We also explore the archetypal tensions inside many of you. The Rebel Mystic who trusts intuition but distrusts systems, the Exile who craves belonging but resists conformity, the Alchemist who transforms pain while secretly fearing they’re beyond repair. Often we treat these tensions like problems to fix instead of what they really are: the terrain of psychological maturity. And learning to hold them without forcing resolution may be the most advanced spiritual work of all.This episode will not be for everyone. Some will hear it and feel nothing. Others will feel recognized in a way that changes how they see themselves forever. If you’re in the latter group, you’ll know. For those with ears to hear, this is the one you might return to again and again. You won’t find answers, but you will find the rare permission to live inside the questions. That’s the secret sauce. To unlock the full version of this conversation, visit patreon.com/backfromtheborderline using your browser and search the title of the episode.

  • cutting the cord, keeping the thread: how to stop repeating your parents’ coping mechanisms in adult life

    25:38|
    Family dynamics shape us long after we’ve left home, but not always in ways we can see. This episode examines what happens when we internalize the unresolved patterns of our caregivers and carry them into adulthood as unconscious coping mechanisms. Through a personal story about a mother’s metaphor for surviving paternal rage, we look closely at how well-meaning messages can become long-term psychic scripts that teaching us self-abandonment. Rather than demonizing our parents or recommending “no contact” as the only solution, this conversation takes a symbolic and esoteric approach to breaking generational patterns. Drawing from Jungian analysis, initiatory frameworks, and contemplative Christianity, we’ll explore what it means to undergo a symbolic death of the child-self and rise into the archetype of the truth-seer: a person who can discern subtle danger, resist inherited scripts, and respond to life with conscious integrity.This is a path for those who feel stuck between blaming their parents and becoming them and who want to transform family pain without burning everything down.WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE:How internalized “inner parents” shape your adult relationships and self-conceptWhy estrangement or “no contact” alone doesn’t resolve inherited traumaWhat it means to collude with violation, and how to interrupt the patternHow the archetype of the “truth-seer” can guide you into emotional maturityWhy symbolic separation (and not just physical distance) is key to growthHow resurrection myths (especially the Christ story) offer a map for individuation✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline or clicking the link above. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY  by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it.Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.

  • why age gap relationships aren’t normal: grooming, power, and emotional maturity

    01:22:56|
    Age-gap relationships have been romanticized, normalized, and quietly accepted across pop culture, media, and even personal memory. But at what cost? In this episode, I take you into the psychological and emotional undercurrent of adult–teen relationships and age-gap dynamics, unpacking how power, control, fantasy, and arrested development often hide beneath the surface of what gets labeled as “mutual” or “consensual.” Drawing from my personal experiences, the fashion and entertainment industries, and the digital spaces where grooming quietly thrives, I explore how grooming doesn’t always look like violence, but instead looks like validation, mentorship, and admiration. But the result is almost almost confusion, shame, and psychic dislocation. And for many, it takes years to recognize what really happened. This episode also speaks directly to those who have experienced these dynamics - whether online, in professional settings, or in relationships they once believed were love. Through story, analysis, and cultural unpacking, I offer a framework that helps us stop minimizing these experiences, and start calling them out for what they actually were. And for those in age-gap relationships now, I also open a space for nuance: when it can work, why it rarely does, and what psychological ingredients are truly required for emotional equality in those dynamics. What You’ll Learn in This Episode:Why age-gap relationships are rarely mutual, even when they appear consensualHow grooming often begins with flattery, attention, and emotional bondingThe psychological traits of adults who pursue much younger partnersHow industries like fashion, film, and online queer communities create cover for exploitationWhy legal adulthood at 18 doesn’t equate to emotional or psychological readinessWhat “arrested development” looks like in romantic and sexual dynamicsSigns of a healthy vs. unhealthy age-gap relationship (and the hidden emotional costs associated with them)How spiritual loneliness and early alienation make young people vulnerable to older validationTo explore more on sex, relationships, and emotional maturity, head to Patreon.com/backfromtheborderline and navigate to the Sex + Relationships collection under the browser’s Collections tab. You can also find my curated book list and other healing resources at backfromtheborderline.com.

  • the emotional cost of always being available (why you’re drowning in unread messages)

    23:59|
    In a world where the day begins with blinking notifications and ends with unanswered messages, many of us are carrying an invisible weight. This episode examines the psychological and physiological cost of always being available and why the pressure to respond is quietly rewiring our nervous systems. From the dopamine mechanics of unread messages to the guilt spiral of delayed replies, we explore how digital communication has become an endless loop that never truly resolves.Through lived experience and cultural observation, we unpack the silent labor behind texting, the emotional taxation of voice notes, and the internalized expectations that shape how we relate to others online. It’s an honest invitation to step back, set boundaries without guilt, and consider the possibility that your nervous system is asking for something quieter.What you’ll learn in this episode:Why digital communication feels like a to-do list your brain can’t closeHow the myth of “Inbox Zero” keeps you trapped in an endless loopThe psychological cost of “mutual awareness” in texting cultureWhat invisible labor looks like in a high-volume digital worldWhy guilt and avoidance often stem from internalized expectationsHow to take conscious control of your responsiveness without disconnecting from your lifeWhy silence may be the missing element your nervous system needs✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it.Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.

  • you can’t domesticate venus: sex, power, and the archetypes running your life with dr. laurence hillman

    01:29:48|
    Psychological astrologer Dr. Laurence Hillman returns to the podcast for a rare, unfiltered conversation on desire, danger, and the archetypal forces that shape our lives beneath the surface. We dive deep into the myth of Persephone, the shadow of the lover archetype, and the cultural fear of Hades from both a literal and symbolic perspective. We also explore why we are drawn to unsafe situations even when our intuition warns us, how we mistake power for love, and what it means to become conscious of the gods we’re enacting, whether or not we realize it.With vulnerability and precision, the episode moves through themes like female rites of passage, the erotic pull of the underworld, religious repression, motherhood, aesthetic agency, and what it takes to keep Venus alive in a domesticated world. Laurence speaks to the difference between being “done by” archetypal forces and learning to work with them intentionally. Together, we sketch a vision of spiritual adulthood that doesn’t rely on victimhood or ego, but an embodied middle way. If you’re craving a conversation that cuts through noise and speaks directly to your inner alchemist, look no further.In this episode, you’ll learn:How female desire gets distorted in a culture that represses both eros and complexityThe difference between Venus as beauty and Venus as a living energy that must be consciously welcomed into our livesHow to begin working with archetypal forces as active co-creatorsWhy collective fear of depth shows up as purity culture, repression, and spiritual bypassingWhat it means to bring erotic presence back into long-term love and partnershipHow unresolved desire turns into performance, numbness, or compulsive reenactmentWhy Laurence says, “You can’t domesticate Venus,” and what that truth asks of usThe difference between trauma reenactment and a descent journey that leads to wisdomHow archetypal astrology reveals our hidden patterns and invites us into symbolic adulthoodWhat it looks like to reimagine spirituality beyond binaries of sin vs. virtue, ego vs. victim, lust vs. love→ Connect with Laurence and dive into his work at laurencehillman.com.→ Click here to listen to my first conversation with Laurence or search “Show Me Your Scars and I’ll Show You How Deep You Are” on your favorite podcast player to find the episode. Unlock my FULL ARCHIVE of members-only content + Patreon exclusives:PATHWORK → Monthly self-inquiry prompts to turn insight into transformation.THE CONSCIOUSNESS STREAM → Raw, unfiltered deep dives.THE DEEP CUT → Structured breakdowns of esoteric + psychological themes.BONUS EPISODES + RESOURCES → Hundreds of hours of hidden gems.Start exploring right now for FREE and see everything waiting for you at backfromtheborderline.com.

  • your whole childhood wasn’t bad: the danger of “all-trauma” narratives

    25:37|
    Many of us find healing through learning about trauma - especially childhood emotional neglect, dysfunctional family systems, and the lasting impact of parental misattunement. That language can bring relief, perspective, and a sense of validation. But over time, it can also shape how we remember the past in ways we don’t always notice.In this episode, I explore how the process of trauma recovery can quietly distort memory, leading us to overlook the real moments of joy, connection, and care that existed alongside the pain.I share my own experience of getting stuck in the all-trauma lens, how that shaped my identity for a while, and what it took to begin the slow (and painful) process of moving into emotional adulthood. We’ll talk about the difference between trauma literacy and trauma identification, the psychology of memory and how it works, and why psychological integration requires remembering both what hurt and what didn’t. This conversation also looks at how cultural narratives around severance, no-contact, and scapegoating parents can become another form of stuckness. I reflect on what it means to truly grow up (spiritually, emotionally, and relationally) and how remembering the good doesn’t erase the harm. The ability to hold complexity is a true marker of healing. What You’ll Learn in This Episode:How trauma content can quietly reshape your memories over timeWhy emotional adulthood means holding grief and joy at the same timeThe difference between trauma literacy and trauma identificationHow cutoff culture online encourages black-and-white thinking about familyWhat Jung’s “divine child” archetype can teach us about growing upWhy remembering good memories is part of psychological integrationHow over-identifying with pain can drain relationships, creativity, and self-trustWhy spiritual maturity requires an aspect of contradiction✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it. Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.

  • disordered desire: performing connection, numbing pleasure, forgetting yourself

    01:44:31|
    Desire is meant to be a creative force. Something within us that fuels connection, expression, intimacy, and imagination. But for many of us, that force has been warped and inverted. That means instead of feeling energized by what we want, we chase it compulsively. We convince ourselves that attention + intensity = love. In the process, we end up exhausted, numb, or locked into patterns that THINK are passionate but instead is just living in survival mode. In this episode, we explore what happens when desire becomes distorted and when it stops being life-GIVING and starts serving the parts of us that are still trying to EARN love, safety, or power. We move beyond diagnostic frameworks and into a more symbolic, metaphysical approach that treats desire as something sacred, but easily rerouted through hunger, grief, or unmet developmental needs.Together, we’ll walk through three common distortions of desire: the hungry ghost self, which seeks constant romantic highs and external validation; the aestheticized self, which curates identity as performance and confuses visibility with intimacy; and the numb hedonist, who turns to pleasure not to feel more, but to feel less. You’ll see that these aren’t character flaws or signs that something is inherently wrong with you, they’re merely coping strategies built from pain.Along the way, we’ll draw from esoteric traditions like the Tree of Life, archetypes like Dionysus and Apollo, and depth psychology’s view of the daimon as the inner force that carries both our gifts and our grief. You’ll learn how distorted desire is a pattern. And the thing about patterns is that they can be recognized, interrupted, and re-aligned.This conversation invites you to trace your desires back to their source and ask what they’ve been trying to TELL you. Not in the language of performance or perfection, but in the quiet truth of what you’ve longed for all along.If you’ve ever felt addicted to intensity, emotionally flat from too much pleasure, or caught in the loop of wanting what harms you, this episode offers a new framework that doesn’t shame desire, but helps you reclaim it.GO DEEPER WITH HUNDREDS OF BONUS EPISODES + WEEKLY PATHWORK PROMPTS. Unlock my FULL ARCHIVE of members-only content + Patreon exclusives:PATHWORK → Weekly self-inquiry prompts to turn insight into transformation.THE CONSCIOUSNESS STREAM → Raw, unfiltered deep dives.THE DEEP CUT → Structured breakdowns of esoteric + psychological themes.BONUS EPISODES + RESOURCES → Hundreds of hours of hidden gems.Start exploring right now for FREE and see everything waiting for you at backfromtheborderline.com.

  • what they're hiding about your mind

    32:17|
    In this episode, we explore the deeper truths that may be hiding beneath the surface of today’s “Disclosure” discourse. While headlines focus on UFO sightings, UAP whistleblowers, and NHI (non-human intelligence), the real story may be something much more unsettling and much more important. What if the biggest secret isn’t “recovered craft”, but the nature of reality itself? Drawing on current events, ancient spiritual frameworks, and emerging scientific cracks in the materialist worldview, we walk through three destabilizing realities that challenge everything we’ve been taught to believe. We’ll begin with the idea that consciousness is not created by the brain, but exists independently and uses the brain like a receiver. From there, we explore the participatory nature of reality itself and how perception isn’t passive, but actively shapes the field around us. Finally, we examine the roots of psychological suffering, and the growing evidence that mental illness may be more about spiritual disconnection than chemical imbalance. If these ideas were widely accepted as reality overnight, entire systems would have to fall: psychiatry, education, media, tech, the pharmaceutical industry, and even most organized religions.This episode offers a grounded, non-performative way to re-enter these questions without falling into conspiracy, spiritual bypass, or new age clichés. If you’ve felt something shifting under the surface of daily life and sensed that the world is not what it seems, this conversation will probably feel pretty validating. Now more than ever, it’s time to reclaim our perception, question our programming, and start listening to what reality is trying to tell us.✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline or clicking the link above. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY  by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it.Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.