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Awaken The Possibilities: Navigating the Holidays When You Are Single

Season 1, Ep. 1

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In episode #1 of the new Awaken The Possibilities Podcast, Host Terry Wildemann interviews Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on "Navigating the Holidays When Single". This scenario can be challenging, especially if you haven't prepared yourself. Rhoberta share wonderful insights and perspective that can assist singles, and their family members, to respect one another in ways that allow all to enjoy the holidays.


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About Dr. Shaler:

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor, provides urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis. Her mission is to provide the insights, information, and inspiration for clients and audiences to know why and how to transform relationship with themselves and with other humans to be honest, respectful, and safe in all ways. Even the United States Marines have sought her help!


Dr. Shaler empowers the partners, exes, adult children, and co-workers of the relentlessly difficult, toxic people she calls Hijackals® to recognize emotional abuse, realize the effects, heal, and transform. She helps them see clearly, stop the crazy-making, and save their sanity.


Widely published and author of sixteen books including Escaping the Hijackal Trap and Stop! That’s Crazy-Making, she hosts two popular podcasts: Transforming Relationship with Emotional Savvy and Save Your Sanity: Help for Toxic Relationships. Her YouTube channel, ForRelationshipHelp, has reached over 275,000 views.


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About Terry Wildemann:

Terry Wildemann is the owner of Intuitive Leadership® and a Business and Resilience Accelerator, Speaker and Certified Executive Coach,


Terry's specialty is working with tired, unhealthy workaholic entrepreneurs and professionals and helps them leap off the stress hamster and evolve into unstoppable stress resilient intuitive leaders. Terry’s timely message taps into how to integrate intuition, stress resilience, positive communications and leadership with grounded business systems that help her students to successfully and positively serve and influence others. Her leadership experience includes owning a manufacturing company, image consulting company, leadership and holistic education center.


Terry is a best selling author of The Enchanted Boardroom: Evolve Into An Unstoppable Intuitive Leader.  


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TRANSCRIPT


welcome everyone to awaken the possibilities I'm your host Terry will demand and I'm really excited because this is the very first episode of the awaken the possibilities popped up podcast and I am delighted to have as my very first guest who helped me so much in creating the background in creating the set everything to do with the awaken the possibilities podcast Dr we're Burda Shaler we're Burda is a very good friend of mine and someone who I hold in very high esteem so to have her on as the very first episode as my very first gas is truly truly exciting so I like to tell you a little bit about her because she truly is a magnificent human being Dr Roberta Scheller PhD is known as the relationship help doctor and provides urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis our mission is to provide insights information and inspiration for clients and audiences to transform relationships with themselves and other humans to be honest respectable respectful and respectable I'm sure state in all ways even the United States marines have sought her help and as you know I'm a navy spouse so that means so much to me that our military who joined this much I regard as I do %HESITATION doctor Schiller focuses on helping the partner's exes an adult children of the relentlessly difficult people she calls hi jackals I love that word hi jackals to stop the crazy making and saving their sanity she is the author of sixteen books including escaping the Hyde Jekyll trap and stop that's crazy making she has two podcasts emotional savvy and save your sanity her YouTube channel for relationship help has reached over two hundred and ninety thousand views wow congratulations on your accomplishments for Burnett and thank you for being here %HESITATION is totally my pleasure I love talking with you and you to biz is a wonderful thing when our over three hundred and five thousand views and them that it's amazing to be able to give people some relief when they're up in the middle of the night wondering what's going on in their world and kind of tents and to have somewhere they can go to get information to feel safe to feel empowered and to feel that they can understand what's happening to them and that really is special because that can be such a clear scary place where things are going on around you and and it's completely chaotic and you know your head is just spinning you just don't know where to go what to say what to do how to behave and it can be quite frightening it absolutely is you know and if you have happened to be raised by high jackals or you're with one and your being your very best empathetic self you're going the extra mile you're reaching out you may be justifying people's poor behaviors and you think that you know that's a great way to create relationships it's so important to know when you've actually gone beyond what is reasonable and something that is healthy and when other people have invaded you too and your space in ways that are unhealthy and to be able to recognize those boundaries and sometimes those unhealthy ways our cultural are they not sure they certainly are I mean there's a distinction I teach negotiation for the university of Texas and and when I'm helping people in project management because is seeing MBA program you know we talk about the difference between a collectivist culture in an individualist culture and if you're in a collectivist cultures that means that the focus of the culture is that the family is more important than the individual and so then you could have differences between the males and female roles within that collectivist culture and it can be sometimes oppressive and it can have some patterns in it that are really unhealthy and then on the other side the individualist culture then people feel that they can do whatever and say whatever they want to each other because they have that right and then we don't know exactly what the rules are so it's really important yeah I find in most situations %HESITATION that it's truly important to listen to your intuition how you feel and a lot of us aren't given permission to be able to do that and when we do oh my god it can become even more chaotic requiring us to completely step away for Saturday's Centru well it certainly can be I mean I think you hit on a really important piece Terry is starting to believe that maybe your intuition your got your sense your first feeling your first read of something may be accurate and then because society has said so many things you might start second guessing that and you might start asking other people's opinion of what's good are right for you and you've already been told what's good are right for you but you're not listening yet so it's important to be open to listening to that so in that vein a lot of us are single during this time of year we are in the holiday season it is you know we've got Hanukkah on one side Christmas on the other side Kwan signed some of us don't even celebrate the holidays but when you're single that can be a double edged sword to some people oh my god it's wonderful he did work about a lot of family stuff but on the other hand there are those who are single who want to engage in the family stuff so I really see it as a double edged sword and one of the %HESITATION I really wanted to talk with you today about stress and being single during the holidays because as we were talking before the show you had mentioned well is there really enough time to do that because we haven't prepared well I'm sure there are a lot of singles who have been prepared themselves in mind body and spirit for being single in the holidays so input in this podcast up I think we may be able to we may be doing a service in that once you even recognize that you haven't prepared isn't that the first step well it certainly is in order to be able to say I'm in a different paradigm down maybe a whole lot of other people am I comfortable in my paradigms do I miss something terribly do I not know how to create it do I experience as you say thank one of the big things in my life that I'm so delighted with this Joe Morrow you know the joy of missing out but there are a whole lot of people who were in the formal world to the fear of missing out and so when they're not included that something they have to look at and it does it can you come from the place of I choose what I do where do you come from the place of nobody's choosing me and that's where the preparation as I get to know yourself well enough to know what your needs and wants are what your thoughts and feelings are and what you're moving toward what your beliefs are about all this and then what the cultural dictates you know is it is it he %HESITATION are you noticing a bunch of articles that are written about you know I'm so sorry if you're alone for the holidays well you know I have a wonderful relationship in my life but it doesn't include the holidays and I am like %HESITATION you know someone asked me today what he could do it I I was tomorrow because of Chris's Christmas tomorrow and I said well I plan on eating good foods not getting dressed and reading a good book what do you have a place to go no %HESITATION delightfully I don't but for some people that dislike I'm not included I haven't I don't have a place to go I don't have a tribe I feel left out and there's a whole Lotta should surround it so we have two examiners shoots that you should have a person you should be connected well what if you're not you know and let's talk for a minute to in this context about bright people super bright people they tend to be a bit of an out liar you know they don't fit in every situation nor do they want to and and they have to look at you know what are my preferences do I get my joy from deciding where I go or do I feel downtrodden when people don't invite me to go somewhere what is going on is there a lot of factors at play here the preparation is a big thing because we don't spend enough time buyers sellers you know talking about intuition well we also spend enough time listening to that but we don't spend enough time enquiring into ourselves who am I which way I want what represents me water may boundaries what are my values what's my vision for my life what are my next steps many people don't want to encounter themselves so they don't spend time in the quiet finding out who they are and what's up you know it's interesting that you say that about being in the quiet when alone is about twenty five years ago when we first moved here in Rhode Island my car radio stopped working and all of a sudden I had to learn how to sit and drive in silence and today twenty five years later when I'm driving with family in the car and then they turn the radio on I can't handle it thank the card that I had before the one that I have now didn't have a radio sports car and I never noticed when I bought it didn't come with the radio and then I thought well let me explore this and so like this I don't you know it really is once you learn how to be in quiet you can hear your thoughts you can really look at how you feel about different things you will allow things that you were masking before the bubble up to the surface and I really do believe that it's important whether you're in a relationship or not in a relationship with your single or not single whether you're with family or not family that you own that part of yourself and but you can only own it once you know it yeah and and that's the whole point of preparation and %HESITATION if you if you can spend time with yourself like so many times %HESITATION clients all over the world because I work through video conferencing I'll say which is Quincy it quietly what what how long do I have to do that for and you know start with two minutes and then we'll talk about it in you know I lead them to answer the question is your real fear of finding out who you are and you don't want to do that is it that you're you know what are you busy about what is it that you must get up and do that will distract you from knowing yourself and is a really stemming from a fear of I don't know who will find when I spend time with myself and I might not like it so I think I'll go and put in the laundry and sweep the carport you know now one thing I do now it's interesting you said that about I'll go put the laundry in suite the carport one thing I do know is there are that there are folks of which I'm married to one who loves constant momentum and while he's doing things with his hands and doing different tasks I can see him in his mind just reviewing things in reviewing things M. processing and thinking so that action of doing mindless work actually assist him to engage internally that often happens for people have it's not that that they need the distraction of that it is that they have a kinesthetic need to be doing something that allows them then to let their mind go free you know when we look at the different modalities of how people process information kinesthetic people you know they're the people in school %HESITATION always tapping their pen or their food or something driving you crazy but the thing is that if you don't have that processing stuff they'll that be annoying to you but to them to be in motion allows them to pay attention they've taken care of the body so they can free the mind then that's an important thing to know if if you think about spending time alone and sitting still and that goes %HESITATION and why don't you do that then you probably want to look into the world of walking meditation so that you can walk and get into that state where you can cut you reflect and that will be a really good thing for you to do but the thing is you know you do you want to be able to encounter yourself as well as encounter the divine when you're sitting there if that's part of your agenda but first off start out by encountering yourself and not being fearful if that so that when you begin to encounter yourself and you begin to become interested in care but that person I love that person and be curious about that person then you will be able to listen to your intuition so were burned out right now we're %HESITATION ten I discuss today's Christmas he and there is a lot of time to prepare we may be going to family tomorrow or the next day it's Christmas Eve is on a Tuesday because Christmas is a little weak you may not be seen family until the weekend like us we're going to be driving down to Pennsylvania on later on in the week that kind of thing what would you suggest to assist those who are single who have been prepared themselves for the onslaught called the holidays well I think one important thing for all of us prepared or not prepared is to be able to answer the question what what I want from this exchange of time so if I'm going to a social event what do I want from this exchange of time if I'm in a conversation what do I want from this exchange of words what is the end result that I want then when we get you skip conscious about that that may be a single person we're we're meeting somebody new we're having a conversation what I want well I just simply want to know and be known a little more a little deeper I'm not gonna make huge leaps and just want to make a little incremental stat and if I understand what I want for many exchange and anytime of any kind then we become much more aware of ourselves and that's the first step so if you don't have much time now because you're going to encounter family or you're going to encounter nothing to do very shortly ask yourself what could I have isn't it an exchange of this time what do I want what what what is the result of this exchange I am our friend at that you and I had %HESITATION recently passed and I I was given everything I wanted of her belongings and I brought home a lot of books so one of the things that are more for the exchange of time tomorrow particularly is I want to look at life from her point of view why is she reading these books what seen here that you know there are things that are definitely related to what I I like to read anyway but %HESITATION that was curious so I can get excited about that but if I had a feeling like well it's not okay on the holidays do not have anywhere to go and nobody inviting me anywhere then I would be all wrapped up in that what I don't have and if you're wrapped up in what year you don't have then you can't be open to what you do have and what you're moving toward to the quick answer to your question is what am I moving toward right now what what is it that is available to me right now that I could actually look forward to and whether that is a long time and being able to and go to bed early %HESITATION %HESITATION %HESITATION it's being with a bunch of people and getting to know somebody or being seen and known by somebody else just know what you want for this exchange of time and it's a great place to start it really is a great place to start and as you're talking %HESITATION I am I'm just curious a lot of the millennials today and when we were kids do we really want to do what our family wanted us to do absolutely not a lot of millennials today are very very clear on what they want and what they don't want and one of the things I keep hearing is I don't want to go to this family event I don't want to go to that family event I you know I don't want to answer their questions I I I don't want to you know and I do know that some millennials feel very much that they're not good enough that there you know some folks are you know college educated they may not be college educated or whatever it is so what I'm hearing you say is from a listening perspective %HESITATION where the millennials are concerned under them or encourage them to keep joining family because that can be a real catch twenty two for families well it is but you know let's I would like to just broaden the conversation to the world perspective be it be in the namaste be honoring who it is you're speaking to be accepting of the person you're speaking to be interested in that person and don't impose your values are your culture or your showed three year ought to use and then you can be in the present moment with them and isn't that what we all want I can't think of one person who wants to go home and have somebody say well I remember when you did this and it wasn't very nice we want that to be gone that's not us Tuesday so why don't we give us today the opportunity of knowing them today and be in the present moment with Sam so what do you say to the parent was hard time with that well if I'm a millennial and someone asked me a difficult question and this came up from one of my groups the other day and I don't want to go home they're gonna ask me why I don't have kids do I have a good job yet they can ask all these tough questions and I said you know just benignly say you know I'm on track with my life it and I'm going to preach I'm going to progress through it in the best way that I possibly can how are things with you give the most general I've been nine answer and then ask a question because the other person probably wants to speak about themselves more anyway so answer them because as respectful to answer them and serve them broadly and don't don't have high expectations of them changing like I just did a show with Laura Rubenstein this morning on our transforming your relationships live on Facebook then the topic that I suggested for the show and it worked well was lower your expectations not your standards really nice so go home if you're going home lower your expectations of the folks being different yeah I know what they're going to ask tough questions if they're tough question answered asters and don't expect there to be different you'll be different right still don't go with this way go with with acceptance you know talk to me about you and just you know divert the conversation back to them and yeah maybe so persistent and you may have to set a boundary and say you know something I'm working on I'll get back to you or yeah %HESITATION but we don't have to get into the tassels we don't have to get into the tough stuff and we don't have to be tough you can just accept them where they are that's what's important to them they're concerned about your future they want to make sure that you're making money and you're on a good track and Nick you know yeah they may come across as as to inquisitive and too judgmental and those kind of things may be in your mind but try and put yourself in their shoes for a little moment and just say okay they're really concerned that I'm going to be able to take care of myself in a good way and that I am going to be a successful human and this is their way of doing it right exactly exactly and you know as you were talking I kept getting this feeling of large traction if you're going to be judging them they're gonna be judging you stop with the judgment and as you say accept them for who they are no accept you for who you are the mayor they may not I mean we each work to our capacity but the only focus that each one of us could have is and who we are and how we're being and that we're living from our values and vision and beliefs and so you know sometimes people say well you know I'm going I have my mother wants me to come home and I don't like her at all what should I do my question is always who are you yeah and they say well what do you mean I said well you are the person who can have the capacity to go except your mother how she is because you want to see here or can't you live without regrets because you don't care for your mother and how she behaves in life and you don't want to make a wrong either so you just don't go right but if the question is who are you and how do you process what do you do what is representative of you living from your values not how do I how do I eight exchange things with other people this how do I be me and then I can after the into change I can say yeah that was me I I stood in my truth I stood in my integrity and my authenticity and I was kind you know what the Terry one of my favorite quotes and I've been using this now for thirty years %HESITATION it was written by a Jesuit high priest ten he said the genius of good communication is to be totally kind and totally honest at the same time when you can muster being totally kind and totally honest at the same time here could you can relax right running into and what a phenomenal place two entities interaction with you being totally kind I just love it absolutely love it we're very sheller thank you so much for being here today in a week in the possibilities M. launching our very first episode in such magnificent fashion as always I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for also being a great friend right now it's my pleasure to be with you in a moment I'm honored to be your first guest and I hope everybody understands that when you get to know yourself and you live from that you can follow my other great important formula and that is H. E. B. B. whether you're thinking of yourself where you're thinking of another human A. B. B. and that stands for always be leave behavior hello I remember to working people get in touch with you %HESITATION you can find me at transforming relationship dot com when you go there you will see that there's a place you can click on for blogs and for podcasts and that'll take you out so to my you tube channel thank you so much for birthday and to my listening audience you can find out more about what it is that we do it intuitively to ship dot com awaken the possibilities where we help entrepreneurs and leaders leap off the stress him just real of life and shift out of chaos into calm ease and flow I'm your host Terry will demand and I look forward to sharing many future episodes with you in the coming year to your success and have a fantastic holiday season

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