This week, Carolyn and Shane are tackling your toughest family money questions. How do you split the bill for an elderly parent’s care when you and your siblings have very different incomes? How much should you help when someone you love is in a tough financial spot? One thing is for sure: when family is involved, even the simplest financial questions can get messy.
Question #1:
My sister and I are in our mid-60's. My sister led a life untethered to responsibility. She is creative and easily feels constrained by people and places, which means she's spent her life changing from one place to the next, one partner or friend group here but not there. A perpetual 24-year-old.
I was her home base - my garage for storage, mailing address for important mail, couch when she was between fabulousness - and constantly holding boundaries.
We are in our mid 60s now. It is clear my sister has zero savings, worked under the table often = little social security, and has health problems that prevent her from working. None of her fabulous friends are there to support her. It's just me.
If you can't tell already - I'm angry. Angry that there is no one else to help her. Angry that she always, in the end, gets what she wants and never works for it. Angry that my hard-earned money is going to her.
I know I technically have a choice but I'd be a monster to turn her out. She'd end up on the street, truly. How do I get past this anger and find peace in my choice to help my sister? –Angry
Question #2:
I’m the youngest of three siblings, and historically have not been as prosperous as the other two. It’s my own doing, and at my age I’ve come to terms with living paycheck to paycheck.
As our mother has aged (she’s now 97), my siblings have battled with each other over control of Mom’s finances as well as her living arrangements.
Our mother has been moved several times without any consideration of what I think might be beneficial. I have been told to “stay out of it” or just been outright excluded from major decisions.
A recent email from the current financial overseer to all three of us announced that Mom is completely out of money and that we all need to step up and contribute to her care.
She was moved to a facility recently that I have just found out costs some $8,000 a month. I never would have agreed to this, there were absolutely more affordable options.
I visit Mom when I can (I live some 1500 miles away), call her frequently and have offered my spare bedroom many times as a permanent solution. She’s always declined, my climate would be extremely uncomfortable.
I can’t afford to contribute my fair share of the costs. I’m miserable about this, but it is my reality. I also feel like I have not created this problem and it could have been avoided. I’m angry about that. Is that how I reply [to our financial adviser]?
Also, does this make me a selfish person, or am I being too hard on myself? I’d really like to know what you think.
-Feeling guilty and angry
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