This week psychotherapist Julia Samuel and her daughters Sophie and Emily explore why people pleasing develops, how our past relationships shape our fear of rejection and what it takes to feel secure enough to express our own needs.
This week's listener is a man in his forties who has spent much of his life putting other people's needs before his own. Following a divorce and a difficult experience of adoption, he's now in a new relationship but finds that even the smallest disagreement can trigger an overwhelming fear that his partner will leave him.
With his former wife and child living abroad and few close friends in the UK, the listener feels increasingly dependent on his new partner. He struggles to make decisions for himself and worries that he's spent years of his life trying to keep everyone else happy. Although he's sought therapy, he's found it difficult to articulate what he wants from it, leaving him unsure where to turn for help.
Together, Julia, Sophie and Emily discuss how people pleasing can begin as a survival strategy in childhood, why experiences of rejection can resurface in new relationships and how talking therapy can help us recognise and change these patterns. They also explore the grief that can accompany divorce and separation, and why acknowledging past experiences is an important part of building trust and emotional security.
The Agony Aunties offer practical advice on communicating your needs and setting boundaries without fearing conflict, learning to say no and building a wider support network beyond your romantic relationship. They also discuss the benefits of group therapy, men's support groups and finding connection through shared interests, and why learning to put yourself first doesn't mean you care any less about the people you love.
Support and further reading:
If you're struggling with people pleasing, fear of rejection or difficulties in your relationships, the following organisations and resources may be helpful:
Please do send in your Agony Aunties questions to: jsamuelpod@gmail.com
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Hosts: Julia Samuel, Emily Samuel, Sophie Samuel
Producer: Georgie Rutherford
Executive Producer: Emily Leahy
Video Producer: Darren Michael
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