This week on I’ll TellYa Dis, Christy Miller and Erik Marino spiral through another week of “American excellence” 🇺🇸💀 as the New York Mets have officially managed to lose to EVERY TEAM IN MLB — INCLUDING THEMSELVES. ⚾️🤕
You heard it here, folks. After spending one game literally watching a baseball fall unattended between A BILLION DOLLARS’ WORTH OF PLAYERS like they were all brand new on the job, they overcompensate the very next night and KNEE THEIR OWN FIRST BASEMAN IN THE HEAD. 💥🧠
That is the MOST MET THING EVER. 😵💫💥⚾️
Somewhere, Mr. Met is quietly Googling workers’ comp. 💀
Meanwhile, comedy continues its inspiring journey directly into hell 🔥🎤 as Turning Point USA replaces Russell Brand with Chris D’Elia on their “America, Love It or Leave It” Tour 🧐 — which is starting to sound more like the PREDA-TOUR if you ask us. 🚩🤦🏻♀️
Seriously, that’s like replacing Buffalo Bill with Freddy Krueger and calling it an upgrade. 😳🔪
And because nothing says “protect the children” quite like putting Chris D’Elia ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS...
🎶 HERE COMES THE GROOMER... 🎶 💀🚩
On a lighter note 🎵, Macklemore gets booted from the Ed Sheeran tour by Gillette Stadium/Patriots owner Robert Kraft. As a result, Ed Sheeran’s band walks, the other opening acts walk, leaving poor Ed “all alone in the ghetto with no BBQ.” 🎸🥺
So now he’s apparently doing the stadium tour as a stripped-down acoustic act — and the internet has given it the only name it deserves:
🧀🎸 KRAFT SINGLES. 💀🥁🧀
Back in Washington, Lauren Boebert is facing a brand-new ethics complaint alleging inappropriate relationships with former and current staffers — because apparently the “BEETLEJUICE BEAT OFF EXTRAVAGANZA” was just the opening act. 🍿8=✊🏻=D💦
In other unexpected sequels... welcome to WEEKEND AT McCONNELL’S 🇺🇸🦴👍🏻 — after disappearing from the Senate for three months, Mitch is BACK and getting wheeled into Congress just in time for another episode of WTF IS GOING ON NOW?! 💀✨
In 80's style music news, an AC/DC concert gets canceled because of thunderstorms — 🎶YOU'VE BEEN...THUNDERSTRUCK🎶 ⚡️🤘🏻😵💫🤘🏻 — the Emmys think CHUCK NORRIS IS STILL ALIVE, and Arch Manning has to apologize after liking an AI-generated video of his coach knocking a female reporter to the ground… proving once again that people are dumber than a box of rocks. 🪨🤖👏🏻
And just when it feels like America has officially become a horror movie brought to you by the people who made Airplane!, WONDER WOMAN SHOWS UP. 🦸🏻♀️🇺🇸
Lynda Carter joins the Kennedy Center protest as demonstrators surround the building — because if this country is going straight to hell in a handbasket, we’re gonna need the “Queen of the Justice League” to save us. 💥✨
QUICK, SOMEBODY FIND THE INVISIBLE PLANE. ✈️💨
At this point, America isn’t a country anymore — it’s a DIRECT-TO-STREAMING DISASTER MOVIE WITH NO FUCKING ENDING. 🇺🇸🔥💀
And apparently the Emmys left Chuck Norris OUT of the In Memoriam...
BECAUSE THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. 🤠💀
Seriously... WHAT THE FUCK DO THE EMMYS KNOW THAT WE DON’T?! 👀⚰️
See you next Monday. 🫶🏻🎤🔥
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