This week on I’ll TellYa Dis, Christy Miller and Erik Marino celebrate Christy’s birthday 🎂🥳 by doing what every \"well-adjusted\" person does during their birthday week: talking about 9/11. 🇺🇸😬
The 25th anniversary ceremony of 9/11 wouldn't be complete without a MAGA vs. MAGA SHOWDOWN - AKA \"NEIN 11\"- at the Memorial 🇺🇸🤦🏻♀️ — pardoned January 6th asshole Jake Lang showed up with a POLICE ESCORT, only to be greeted by another group of Nazis Sieg Heil-ing with a banner that read “JAKE LANG IS A JEW” 😳 while a Mount Vernon firefighter screamed at THEM to “go back to Palestine with that bullshit” and “get out of our country.”
🗣️ MA!!!! THE NAZIS ARE INFIGHTING AGAIN!! 💀🇺🇸 ... These morons have no idea who they hate anymore. 🤦🏻♀️
Meanwhile, the RNC held its midterm convention in Dallas, where Republicans focused on the issues people are most desperately worried about... like Hasan Piker’s old thirst trap photo 🤳🏻🤦🏻♀️ — even going so far as blurring out his bikini briefs, because... you know... the party of family values and stuff. 🤦🏻♀️
And in completely unrelated news, Grindr crashed. 🤳🏻🍆💀 Grindr hasn't seen that much traffic since... well... the last Republican Convention. 📱💀
And while MAGA Senate candidate Ken Rogers is too busy jerking off to Hasan Piker photos at the RNC, his opponent Abdul El-Sayed is busy at the gym BENCHING 315. 🏋🏻♂️🥵
Christy has officially endorsed his platform.
And by “platform,” we mean his chest.
Welcome, Abdul, to the LADY SPANK BANK™. 🏦🤤💰
Then 77-year-old Rick Springfield enters the chat looking so ridiculously hot Christy concludes he MUST be drinking baby blood to stay young 🧛🏻♂️ — only for us to discover that JESSIE’S GIRL MAY HAVE A BODY COUNT. 😳 Apparently Rick once fired mortars in Vietnam that may have killed a man, proving there was a much easier way to get Jessie out of the picture.
🎶 Why can’t I find a woman like that? 🎶
Because YOU KILLED HER BOYFRIEND IN VIETNAM, RICK. 💀💣
And finally, a Maryland woman wins $150,000 after playing the same lottery numbers for 20 YEARS 💰 — which means after buying three tickets every time for two decades, congratulations girl... YOU FINALLY BROKE EVEN. 😂
Meanwhile, Broadway’s singing waiters are heading into their own WEST SIDE STORY TURF WAR 🎤🔪 as Ellen’s Stardust Diner and newcomer Diner 24 battle for singing-server supremacy... WHO WILL WIN?! WHO WILL GET THE CHOP?! 🎤🔪🍳. Lady Gaga is officially a mother(?) — giving the world BABY GAGA 👶🏻🪩 — and Jelly Roll discovers that playing both sides of the strudel gets you kicked out of the Big Blue Bash at Mar-a-Lago. 🤷🏻♀️
Yep, just another completely normal week in America.
Like Christy always says — Not my circus. Not my motherfucking clowns. 🤡🇺🇸
See you Monday. 🫶🏻
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