Episode 25
Hope
A Men’s Group Facilitator on the One-Word Answer That Changes Everything for Isolated Men
Guest: Joshua Rodriguez — men’s group facilitator, educator and advocate, co-founder of the Kink Collective
Trigger Warning
This episode covers difficult territory, including thoughts of suicide, serious allegations that were made against the guest, infidelity, and sex work. It also contains strong language throughout. Please take care while listening.
Episode Description
Joshua Rodriguez is a former U.S. Marine and U.S. Marshal, now a facilitator, educator and advocate based in Harlem. He guides people, especially men, through modern masculinity, sexuality and personal growth. When Dom asks what he sees in the men who turn up to his groups, he answers in one word: hope. Because they all thought they were alone at one point.
For almost 30 years, Joshua softened himself in his closest relationships to avoid being rejected, judged or left alone. He couldn’t say he had needs, because having needs felt like it cancelled out everything he provided. What he couldn’t say came out sideways, as anger, lying and cheating.
Timestamps
00:00 Hope, Because They All Thought They Were Alone
01:22 Content Note — Suicidal Thoughts and Serious Allegations
01:56 Why Men’s Groups Matter — and What Took Him There
02:47 Needing to Hear He Wasn’t the Only One Who Was Afraid
03:03 How Long the Wounds From Past Relationships Have Lasted
03:35 Softening Himself to Avoid Rejection — Almost 30 Years
04:21 Calling Men In — Curiosity Without Judgement
05:37 What It Means to Soften Yourself — Not Saying What You Need
05:57 The Provider Conundrum — If I Have Needs, It Cancels Out Everything I’ve Provided
06:53 What Goes Unsaid Comes Out Sideways — Anger, Lying and Cheating
07:52 Family Court at 19 — Fighting to Be a Father
08:48 Suicidal Thoughts, Anger and Nobody to Turn To
11:40 What He Needed — A Mentor to Help Him Process What He Was Feeling
13:00 Anger Is a Tool, Not a Feeling
13:52 Forgiveness and Apology — Where the Responsibility Sits
15:00 Understanding Humiliation — What His Actions Did to Past Partners
16:11 The Allegations — What He Says Was Untrue, and What He Takes Responsibility For
17:24 Why He Did It — Fear of Saying What He Needed
18:23 Compassion, Forgiveness and Responsibility — You Can Turn the Key
20:00 The Turning Point
20:45 Five Years of Asking Who Am I and Why Am I Afraid
22:01 Alternative Lifestyles — Sex Work, Professional Domination and Reframing Sexuality
24:21 The Five-Year Gap — Practising What He Had Learned
25:20 The Mentor Who Arrived
27:26 Self-Forgiveness — and Being Willing Not to Be Forgiven by Others
28:07 Society Isn’t Your Best Friend — Leaning on Other Men
29:05 What Masculine Validation From Another Man Really Means
30:43 What It Means to Be a Man — Consistency and a Belief System
32:01 What to Say to Someone Who Doesn’t Know What They Believe
33:19 Questions to Find Your Principles
34:23 What Does He See in the Men Who Turn Up? One Word — Hope
35:21 Boys Told to Be Strong — Boys Don’t Cry
36:03 Conditioning Men to Move Without Emotion — Survival Instincts
37:33 Nature and Nurture
39:03 Good Things Bring Memories, the Rest Bring Lessons — If You Reframe the Pain
40:16 Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Femininity — Energies, Not Identities
41:26 Strength That Isn’t Only Physical — Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual
41:43 Society Needs Men More Than It Will Admit Right Now
Find Joshua Rodriguez at
www.Kinkcollective.net
Resources
If this episode has raised issues for you:
Samaritans — free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 116 123
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) — for men in crisis: 0800 58 58 58
All previous Torque episodes available at
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