How To Talk To Your Children
A Clinical Psychologist's Toolkit for Parents Who Want To Connect
Guest: Dr David Marcus — clinical psychologist, 40 years working with families
Episode Description
Dr David Marcus has spent 40 years working with families under stress. What he sees, consistently, is not bad parents. It's parents making assumptions about their children that stop communication before it starts.
In this conversation, David walks through the four assumptions parents make about their children's emotionality — and why, if any one of them is false, you're not going to get a response. He introduces the concept of the soothing presence — what it actually means to be okay when the person in front of you isn't, and how that skill, when a child internalises it, becomes the foundation of their emotional resilience for life.
He talks about why asking why did you do that might be the worst question a parent can ask, what to say instead, and the power of the word something as a non-judgmental way into a difficult conversation. About the fairness trap with siblings. About how the history level — the accumulated memory of how conversations have gone before — fills us up before we even begin. About the pressures teenagers face. And about what he'd tell any parent right now who wants to connect more with their children.
This is an episode for parents. But as Dom reflects in the takeaway, the skills David describes go well beyond parenting — they apply to every difficult conversation you will ever have.
Timestamps
01:17 Introducing Dr David Marcus
01:36 What Does He Typically Witness in Families Under Stress?
02:42 The Four Assumptions Parents Make About Their Children
02:42 Assumption 1 — That Children Experience Their Emotions
03:46 Assumption 2 — That Children Can Tolerate the Intensity of Their Emotions
04:07 Assumption 3 — That Children Have the Language to Express Their Emotions
05:11 Assumption 4 — That It's Safe for the Child to Express Their Emotions With This Person
05:36 The Soothing Presence — Being OK When the Person in Front of You Isn't
06:40 The Temptation to Fix — Why It Doesn't Work
07:02 Emptying Out — Why Logic Doesn't Land When Someone Is Filled Up
07:50 How Parents Feel About Children Often Reflects How Children Feel About Themselves
08:16 Predictability as the Source of Trust
09:47 Unpredictable Parents — What It Does to a Child's Sense of Security
13:00 Screen Time — The Soothing Presence Problem of Modern Parenting
14:00 David's Pillow Story — When the Clinical Psychologist Got Mad
16:00 Why Children Need a Predictable Time When You Are Really There
18:00 The Dinner Table Conversation — Tell Me About Your Day
20:32 Why Did You Do That — The Worst Question You Can Ask
20:47 Something Made That Happen — A Better Way In
21:01 The Power of the Word Something — Non-Judgmental and Open
22:10 Mirroring Back — Emptying the Child Out
23:14 No Wonder You Did What You Did — Validating Without Approving
23:28 Productive Discipline and Building Resilience
25:03 Siblings — The Fairness Trap
26:53 The Emptying Out Process — What It Actually Means
29:01 The History Level — Getting Filled Up Before You Even Begin
32:00 Walls That Build Up Between People — How Communication Breaks Down
33:47 A Different Definition of Support
35:20 Teenagers Under Pressure — The Cost of Meeting Everyone Else's Expectations
36:58 David as a Parent — His Own Pitfalls
41:26 The Key Thing — Be OK Yourself First
42:44 Dom's Closing Reflection
You can find Dr David Marcus at
ParentRX - Dr. David Marcus Ph. D.
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