You've said it. Maybe ten times. Maybe twenty. You've used your I statements, you've softened the tone, you've chosen the right moment, you've written it all down. You've even put it in a compliment sandwich.
And nothing changed.
So you start wondering — am I not saying it right? Do I need a better script? A firmer tone? A different approach?
Here's what Alyssa wants you to hear instead: what you're saying isn't the problem. The problem is that you've been giving information without a consequence. And a boundary without a consequence isn't a boundary. It's a request.
In this episode — the first of a new Q&A series — Alyssa answers the question she gets asked almost every week: what do you do when you set a boundary and someone keeps stepping over it anyway? And when does that stop being their problem and start being yours?
She shares the journal entry she found from 2015 — pages of softened, sugarcoated, carefully packaged \"boundaries\" written for her ex-mother-in-law. The relationship contract she made with her ex-husband so he'd stop calling her names. And the moment she realized that none of it was actually a boundary, because she never once followed through.
In this episode:
The takeaway: Think about the one boundary you've stated over and over to the same person with nothing changing. Instead of thinking about how to say it better next time — decide what you will actually do. Not a script. An action. Something within your control that doesn't depend on them hearing you, agreeing with you, or changing. You don't even have to implement it yet. Just decide. That's where it starts.
Chapters
00:38 The bedtime analogy — and what it has to do with the adults in your life
01:41 Welcome to season three: a Q&A series
03:46 This week's question: what do you do when someone keeps crossing your boundary?
04:43 You give an inch, they take a mile — and how you got here
06:29 They hear you. They just don't believe you.
08:11 The relationship contract with her ex-husband — and what happened next
13:34 A request tells someone what you want. A boundary tells them what you'll do.
14:22 The one boundary she finally said — and actually stuck with
16:04 Why leaving once wasn't the end — and what codependency actually looked like
18:53 When does it stop being their problem and start being yours?
21:46 The 2015 journal entry — pages of softened, sugarcoated \"boundaries\" for her ex-mother-in-law
29:23 The moment she finally stopped relying on them for childcare
31:40 A boundary isn't a sentence you say. It's what you're actually willing to do.
32:37 What's really underneath people pleasing — and why self-trust is the missing piece
35:20 Where have you been giving more information instead of a consequence?
38:08 The way to keep a boundary is with action, not more words
44:03 Your practice this week
47:15 When you can't set the boundary you want — and what to do instead
Join Her Steady Circle Membership — monthly, think gym membership for your nervous system
Apply for Reclaim Your Steady — 12-week signature program
Catch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth
","author_name":"Alyssa Booth"}