When you think of jealousy, you probably picture her. The one checking the phone, going quiet, then going crazy, then freaking out every time another woman walks in the room. And everyone around her has already reached the same conclusion — she's crazy, she's insecure, she needs to get a grip.
But here's what nobody says about her.
Underneath every single one of those behaviors, there's a part of her that is genuinely afraid. And she's doing the only thing she knows how to do to manage that fear — trying to control the outcome.
In this episode, Alyssa makes the case that jealousy and envy are two of the most misunderstood emotions we have. Not character flaws. Not evidence that you're petty or ungrateful or a bad friend. A map — back to the things you want, the things you're afraid of losing, and the things you never had in the first place.
She shares her own experience going through infertility during COVID while it felt like literally everyone around her — friends, clients, neighbors, and yes, even her neighbor's dog — was getting pregnant. What it felt like to genuinely want her best friend's pregnancy announcement to be hers. And how she learned that you can be happy for someone and heartbroken for yourself at exactly the same time.
In this episode:
The takeaway: This week, notice a moment of jealousy or envy without judging yourself for it. Then ask: what does this point to that I really want? What am I afraid of losing? What have I never fully let myself name out loud? Finish this sentence: my jealousy makes sense because ___. My envy makes sense because ___. These emotions aren't evidence that something is wrong with you. They're information about what matters most.
Chapters
00:04 The jealous girlfriend — and what nobody says about her
02:08 What jealousy actually is — and why it's fear-based, not flaw-based
04:15 Jealousy vs. envy: the distinction that matters
08:42 Alyssa's story: infertility during COVID when everyone around her was pregnant
13:11 Being happy for someone and heartbroken for yourself at the same time
16:38 The \"at least you already have a baby\" invalidation — and why it didn't make the want go away
17:35 The beliefs we attach to the thing we want — and how that keeps us stuck
26:55 Noticing what you say to yourself the moment jealousy or envy shows up
31:07 The guilt that arrives right behind the envy
33:20 What jealousy feels like when your best friend gets a new best friend
35:02 Envy as a map to what you want — and haven't let yourself go after
41:11 When comparison is actually useful — and when it isn't
43:22 The reason Alyssa finally started this podcast (envy)
45:38 What jealousy and envy feel like in the body
48:38 Your practice for this week
50:27 The envy that's really grief — relationships you never got
52:37 What to ask yourself instead of \"what's wrong with me\"
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