In this episode, Wendy is joined again by Dr Neil Stanley, independent sleep expert with 44 years of research behind him, past Chairman of the British Sleep Society and author of How to Sleep Well and co-author of A Sleep Divorce: How to Sleep Apart, Not Fall Apart. This is part two of their conversation, and it goes into the sleep problems that come up most often and are least well understood.
The episode opens with nightmares, and Neil immediately reframes the conversation. Most nightmares are not signs of anything significant. They are simply the horror films in what he describes as your nightly multiplex, the 4 or 5 dreams you have every night, most of which you will never remember because you slept through them. The ones that stay with you are the ones vivid enough to wake you. There is an important exception though: nightmares that relive a traumatic event in real time are a different matter entirely, and Neil explains clearly why those point towards PTSD and need to be addressed at that level.
He also explains the difference between a nightmare and a night terror, which is something many parents get badly wrong. A child having a night terror is displaying the behaviour of fear without experiencing fear, because it is happening in deep sleep with no conscious awareness. The child will have no memory of it. The distress belongs entirely to the parent watching, and well-meaning intervention can make things worse. Neil’s advice is practical and reassuring.
From there, the conversation covers snoring in real depth: why it happens, why the causes vary so widely between people, what actually works and what does not, and why sleep apnea is a serious medical condition that is consistently underdiagnosed, particularly in men. Neil is straightforward about the case for sleeping in separate rooms, and points to his own book on the subject for anyone who wants to navigate that conversation with their partner without it becoming a referendum on the relationship.
There is also a frank and useful section on napping, including the key distinction between a 20-minute power nap, which is generally fine and will not affect night-time sleep, and anything between 20 minutes and 2 hours, which risks waking someone in deep sleep and leaving them feeling worse than before. Neil’s rule of thumb: 20 minutes or 2 hours, nothing in between.
The episode closes with advice for parents of newborns that is notably free of judgment: why babies are not being manipulative when they cry at 3am, why the old advice to let them scream themselves to sleep never made much biological sense, and why the most practical thing couples can do is stop sharing every wakening and start thinking about who is actually best placed to handle what and when.
Dr Neil Stanley’s website is at:
👉 http://www.thesleepconsultancy.com
His books are available via Amazon and all major booksellers.
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