Bob Cullen isn't a doctor or a traditional academic — he's a man who spent his early life around violence and addiction, spent years in prison, and has spent the time since trying to understand where that violence actually comes from. Now finishing a master's and preparing to start a PhD, he leads the Success Stories Programme, running workshops with men — including in prisons and on probation — about patriarchy, masculinity and the beliefs that quietly shape how boys become men.
In this conversation, Bob and Laura trace violence back to its roots: the way boys are taught that emotion is weakness, how shame and poverty drive harm, and why Bob believes we can't reduce violence against women without understanding masculinity itself. He's honest about the misogyny he still hears from men when no women are around, and clear that shaming men or simply telling them to \"talk more\" misses how the harm is learned in the first place.
The episode also turns inward. Bob speaks openly about the drugs, the self-harm and the years he couldn't look at himself in the mirror, and about the education, meditation and steady relationships that slowly turned things around. It closes on regret, accountability and self-forgiveness — and why, after all the work he's done, he still chooses to hold on to some of the guilt he carries.
Please note: this episode discusses violence, prison, abuse, misogyny and suicide, and may be difficult to listen to. Support links are included below.
Violence has roots we rarely look at
Bob argues we'll never reduce violence against women by focusing on it alone — it has to be traced back to patriarchy and how masculinity is formed.
Boys learn early that emotion is weakness
From \"boys don't cry\" to the fear of being called weak by friends, boys are taught to suppress feeling and to prove they'll use violence if needed.
Shame is one of the biggest drivers of violence
Drawing on James Gilligan's work, Bob links most harm to shame, poverty and exposure to violence, and notes people are usually victims before they become perpetrators.
Misogyny didn't start with social media
He traces how men talk about women when none are around back through history, rather than blaming figures like Andrew Tate alone.
\"Just get men talking\" isn't enough
Bob explains why shaming men or telling them to open up misses how the harm is learned, and why his work is built on accountability and community instead.
Change came through education and connection
Getting clean in prison, meditation, journaling and a teacher named Andrea opened a path into study, feminism and the Success Stories work he now leads.
Accountability over easy self-forgiveness
Bob speaks honestly about the guilt he still carries, and why he chooses to hold it: not to punish himself, but as a reminder of who he doesn't want to become.
Violence: Our Deadly Epidemic and Its Causes — James Gilligan
On shame, poverty and the roots of violence.
The Will to Change — bell hooks
On men, masculinity and love.
How patriarchy took hold.
The anti-patriarchy, anti-violence programme Bob runs with men.
Free 24/7 on 116 123.
Free 24/7 crisis support on 1800 247 247.
00:00 — Introduction and the Success Stories Program
03:52 — Patriarchy, domination and masculinity
06:34 — Why focusing only on violence against women falls short
09:56 — \"Boys don't cry\" and the fear of weakness
12:45 — Shame, poverty and the roots of violence
13:40 — Misogyny's long history, from Pandora to Descartes
27:40 — Why \"men just need to talk\" isn't enough
32:56 — Victims before perpetrators
41:30 — Accountability, integrity and community
50:00 — Drugs, self-harm and going to prison
63:00 — The teacher who changed everything
79:23 — Regret, accountability and self-forgiveness
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