Recent events in Radio 4's The Archers has caused me to think a lot about grief and grieving, and to share my own experiences in the hope that they might help.
Alongside the podcast, here's a poem I wrote shortly after losing my husband Kieran four years ago.
Waves.
Great, crushing waves
Of pain.
Where do they come from?
An object
A photo
A glimpse in a doorway
A memory
Unexpected
One minute everything's normal
And you're fine.
Then the pain overwhelms
Again.
And all the time the dreadful knowledge
The horrible, terrible immutable truth
That you'll never see him again.
No point wishing.
He can't come back.
I know this but Oh, Oh, Oh
How I wish that he'd never gone.
He was my light, you see:
The centre of my world.
He was my everything.
So, what to do?
I don't know, you see?
The future seems so dim,
So unreal.
Not what was expected.
Somewhere inside me there must be hope.
There must be hope
that I can find the strength to carry on.
If not, do I deny the love we shared?
The oneness;
The sheer joy of togetherness?
Look down upon me my love
Help me to find that strength.
Though I struggle you can help me.
And know this;
That you were a smile,
You were a caress,
You were a meal, cooked with love,
You were a carer, a protector.
You were my very being;
My life, my soul.
","author_name":"Colin Baldy"}