This week on Currently Cringing, one tiny test strand becomes the hero of the entire episode when I discover that Japanese hair straightening could have quite literally made me bald. Two months after a salon owner refused to straighten my entire head, my hairstylist finds the test piece underneath my hair completely broken off. Rejection is protection, ladies — and sometimes it is the only thing standing between you and a Labor Day wig.
Then we need to discuss my latest personality: gardening. Martha Stewart and Ina Garten have successfully convinced me that I should be wandering through my garden with a wicker basket, casually picking basil for dinner. Unfortunately, I live in Miami, where gardening is less Barefoot Contessa and more Jurassic Park. There are frogs in the soil, lizards behind the hose, iguanas falling out of trees, aphids attacking the mint, and apparently 400 different creatures already living in every plant I purchase. Gardening is supposed to regulate your nervous system. Mine has entered fight-or-flight.
We’re also celebrating the end of August, because August is January with humidity. Summer is spiritually over, everyone is exhausted, the rosé has lost its will to live, and I am officially ready for September, fall weather, early sunsets and the glorious “-ber” months.
What I am NOT ready for is corporate fall. Why am I walking into Home Depot in August and finding myself underneath the crotch of a 12-foot Halloween skeleton? Why is pumpkin spice already here? Why are velvet pumpkins appearing while I’m still buying mosquito repellent? Fall is wonderful. Fall cosplay in 98-degree weather is not.
And finally, my cleaning lady’s psychic friend has returned — which would be harmless except she has now correctly predicted enough things in my life that I unfortunately have to listen to her. Her latest forecast involves money, the evil eye and a bath filled with white rose petals. Obviously, I’m doing it. This is the same woman who previously predicted my marriage and an unexpected move, so at this point we will be monitoring the situation.
Also: an update on the Etsy witch I paid earlier this year. Results remain deeply disappointing.
On this episode: Japanese hair straightening damage, hair breakage, salon horror stories, Miami gardening, Florida wildlife, Martha Stewart gardening, Ina Garten, growing your own food, summer depression, September, fall 2026, Halloween decorations, Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton, pumpkin spice season, astrology, psychics, tarot, evil eye rituals, white rose baths, manifestation, Etsy witches, and why rejection really might be protection.