In this episode we discuss compassion and talk about how it differs from kindness and empathy. We also explain why self-compassion is harder than it sounds! We explore the difference between real self-care and avoidance, what blocks us, and how to build the habit of showing ourselves compassion.
Compassion can mean doing something we don't want to do for our own good, such as making amends or looking after our bodies and minds. Staying under the duvet can feel kind, whilst owning a mistake and clearing the air is compassionate. We discuss how compassion takes bravery because it involves giving ourselves grace.
Self-compassion can be blocked by a lack of modelling in childhood; women being socialised to focus on others' comfort so that self-care can feel selfish; and holding ourselves to higher standards than others. Add in the achievement-driven culture, the erosion of community and social media comparison of modern society and it’s not surprising it can be really difficult to believe that we are worth being compassionate to.
Key topics
Kindness vs compassion:
Future self: Thinking about how we will feel later helps. That might be in two hours, tomorrow morning, or at age 80.
Telling rest from avoidance: Adrienne says the extremes are easy to judge. Staying in bed with a temperature is compassionate. The middle is muddy. She suggests asking what Future You would be glad of, and whether the feeling is laziness or something like anxiety or low mood.
Compassion as an honest mirror: Lucy describes it as a mirror we build through practice and awareness. Adrienne adds that it takes self-awareness to look in it and ask whether something is really about me.
Acceptance and judgment: we both agree that acceptance of how things are right now is central. Adrienne explains that brains judge and rank things automatically to keep us safe. We can't change the thoughts, but we can choose what to do with them.
Empathy plus: Compassion is empathy plus a conscious choice to act, or to do nothing. Adrienne calls this the "compassion gap", a little distance so we aren't overwhelmed. Lucy links this to the impartial, non-judgmental observer from mindfulness.
Strategies: Ask what you would do or say if this were a friend, and notice how that care feels. Move from "why is this happening?" to "this is how it is, so what do I need?"
Role of therapy and mindfulness: In therapy someone else can hold the compassionate lens when we can't. Mindfulness builds the ability to do it ourselves, and it’s lifelong work.
Key takeaways
Compassion is not always comfortable, and sometimes it asks us to do the harder thing.
No rule fits every case. Awareness of what is true, and of what future you would want, guides the choice.
Compassion is empathy with enough distance to act without being overwhelmed.
"This is how it is right now, so what do I need?" can be more useful than asking why.
Asking what you would do for a friend, and bringing the same gentleness, is a practical starting point.
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