In this episode we explore why being present feels so difficult, even when we know it helps. We look at how anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and social stress pull attention into the future or the past, and why mindfulness is less about forcing calm and more about training attention. Being present isn’t easy, because our default mode is mind wandering.
We hope that this conversation is practical and compassionate, with examples from couples’ work, illness, grief, and everyday life. If you’ve ever felt like your mind is always elsewhere, this episode explains why and what to do about it.
Key topics
We unpack why being present can feel surprisingly hard, even for people who teach or practice mindfulness.
Lucy shared a Harvard study finding that people reported not being present roughly 47.9% of the time, often because the mind is busy planning, worrying, or replaying the past.
Adrienne described how being present disappears in conversation when she is trying to hold onto what she wants to say instead of listening fully.
We discuss how anxiety pulls people into the future, depression pulls us into the past, and chronic illness or pain can keep our attention locked on what feels urgent.
Lucy explains that being present does not mean focusing only on discomfort. It means having a wider awareness and the ability to choose where to place our attention.
Adrienne gives examples from her work with couples, where people often rehearse their reply instead of hearing the other person, and describes a summarizing exercise that slows conflict down.
We talk about anticipatory grief, especially when supporting someone with a terminal diagnosis, and how trying to manufacture “special memories” can get in the way of actually making them.
Lucy uses the butterfly analogy to show that presence often comes through less effort, not more, and that chasing it can make it more elusive.
We explore how modern life keeps us in ‘doing mode’, with social media, performance pressure, and constant self-evaluation replacing quieter forms of simply being. And we emphasise that presence is a practice, not a personality trait, and that it works best when time for it is intentionally protected.
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