Episode 454 of Grief and Happiness features author Arik Housley on losing his 18-year-old daughter, Alaina, in the 2018 Borderline Bar & Grill mass shooting. He shares his path to forgiveness and post-traumatic growth, from his teenage son's eulogy the night of the tragedy to the well-meaning phrases that missed the mark, offering practical wisdom on showing up for the grieving.
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
(01:00) Arik Housley introduces himself and the loss of his daughter, Alaina
(02:16) Finding strength in vulnerability, and a story that reshaped his faith
(04:46) The night of the Borderline shooting and the family's evacuation
(07:52) His 14-year-old son's decision to write a eulogy that same night
(09:57) Speaking at the Parents of Murdered Children's Conference
(14:29) Navigating the line between giving privacy and creating isolation
(17:06) What to say — and what not to say — to someone who's grieving
(20:36) Why \"I know how you feel\" can do more harm than good
(24:47) Choosing joy and carrying love forward after unimaginable loss
(25:45) The story behind his book, Always November
Arik Housley is an author, entrepreneur, and public speaker based in Napa Valley, California, where he has spent nearly 30 years building a portfolio of businesses spanning grocery stores, a winery, and a restaurant. He is the father of Alaina Housley, killed at 18 in the 2018 mass shooting at Borderline Bar & Grill in Thousand Oaks, and author of the bestselling memoir Always November: Lessons in Loss, Love and Resilience, co-written with novelist Holly Lynn Payne. In Alaina's memory, he and his wife, Hannah, founded Alaina's Voice Foundation, supporting mental health and education, and he now speaks widely at universities and conferences on grief and resilience.
In this episode, Arik shares the story behind Always November, from the night his family learned of Alaina's murder to the post-traumatic growth that followed, including his decision to forgive the shooter for his own sake, and how he helped his teenage son process the loss of his sister. Much of the conversation turns practical, as Arik offers guidance for supporting the grieving: navigating the line between giving space and disappearing, and why saying something imperfect beats saying nothing at all. He closes by reflecting on how honesty, even when painful, builds the trust that carries families through tragedy.
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Book: Arik Housley - Always November
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Book: Emily Thiroux Threatt - Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief
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