My Friend Doug

It's 81 degrees in my house, and I have the central heat on and I have a space heater on, and I just bought a new space heater, and I'm wearing wool socks and fuzzy pajama pants and an undershirt and a hoodie, and I am finally warm enough to actually live my life, I cannot believe it. I hate the cold stupid winter.

haha dick episode 13 Killers of the flower Moon versus renfield versus Thanksgiving haha dick at the movieshttps://youtu.be/pFjHq_g6__0?si=umumeR5mObojVdy4

I think I have figured out why some people are super terrible people who never say sorry or please or thank you, but maybe I'm wrong so you tell me. I love you and I hope you're having a great day. ♥️

Female perspective expert Ellen Ziegler was sitting on her couch when her worst date started peeling away his toenails on her couch.Take a guess as to whether she went on another date with this guy. I went out with a woman who did nothing but fart all the time and then tell me that she was farting all the time. Take a guess as to whether I'm still dating Fart Girl.Here we are, and it's the future of dating.We have all of these dating apps. We meet people in the real world all the time. And for some reason, we're all still single. Ellen and I talk about all this (on this new episode of my “Haha Dick" podcast), and we come to some conclusions:One. Many women want a man who isn't just a provider but can keep up with his woman financially, so that they are on relatively even levels.Two. Many women want men to show up in the relationship and give as well as they get.What's funny about this to me is that I am looking for the same qualities in my future partners.I don't necessarily want someone who is rich or poor, and I don't want someone who is unavailable or pining over some god-awful ex.I feel like there are universal qualities that we're all looking for in partners of any gender, and those qualities can be summed up very succinctly:We want someone who has a similar sex drive, and a similar money drive, and a similar worldview, and we want other similar things. I know that sounds basic and obvious.But honestly, what a lot of us want is someone who reminds us of ourselves in a way. Or, we want someone who reminds us of ourselves in most ways.I've often said that if I could clone myself then I would marry myself.And the reason is that I have been in many relationships with many people and I have come to the conclusion that I am a very good partner and if I could find someone who's as good of a partner as me then I would settle down with that person for the rest of my life.And in the meantime, we're all on these stupid dating apps, and we're all meeting people in the aisles of stores, and we're going to bars and restaurants and Facebook events and all this other stuff in search of someone who will make us feel less lonely and less desperate. Another stupidly funny thing to me is that we all get lonely and desperate so we end up in relationships we shouldn't be in, and then time passes and we have to break up, and then we get sad or angry or whatever emotion is required of that specific breakup.And then we have to start that process all over again.It's kind of fun but also kind of sucky.Love is a numbers game, and we have to meet as many people as we can.It's like my Nana always told me:There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.I've gone out with 33 people this year and I have had sex with a lot of them and I ended up in long-term relationships with none of them.But oh what fun I've had. For real.What I'm getting at is this:I'm on the market. If you're looking for a man like me, then let me know you're available too. Here's my Bumble profile, are you ready?:I'm not your provider.I'm a fun, funny, handsome, sexy genius.I'm the greatest writer who'll ever live.I own a house.I'm sane, stable, healthy: Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, intellectually, and socially.I'm the world's greatest domineering lover.But I'm not your provider.xoxoSubscribe to Haha Dick on your podcast apps, and on YouTube:https://youtube.com/@DougElfman#comedy #podcast #vlog

Fitting in is easy and hard especially if you move around a lot like an army brat but also if you are trying not to like the sports in your town and you can't get away from the sports in your town so then eventually you just start grafting the sports logos on the insides of your eyelids so that you fit in and conform and become a robot like I am going to do to myself now thank you very much.

Football Hockey F1 Cars Weed Guns: Las Vegas, The Disneyland For Adults (Where Questionable Parents Bring Kids)https://youtu.be/vskCNHc4wcw?si=Fv1_QJXXqQnSsy9qThe worst thing that's happened to Las Vegas in a while is this stupid F1 Formula 1 race, and I don't know a single person who is happy about it. Las Vegas Boulevard has been ripped up for months.Driving to anywhere on the Strip has been a nightmare for most of 2023.The last time I was at the Paris hotel to dine with a lover, it took us an hour to drive there, and the Strip smelled like tar, and all I could hear at times were these giant road-ripping-up machines. If you don't live in Las Vegas, and if you see any positive media coverage of F1’s effect on Vegas, I strongly suggest not believing that media outlet about anything ever again, because F1 sucks hardcore. I say all this as Las Vegas’ biggest (honest) cheerleader. I've lived all around America, and Vegas is my favorite city. That's why I'm still here. Vegas is a 24/7 town, so we have bars and clubs and restaurants that are open all the time.But 24/7 also means Vegas is one of the only places in the entire world where you can drive to a store and rent a carpet cleaner at 4 in the morning. Plus, we have the friendliest people in the country, and the hardest workers around. That's why our population has exploded up to 3 million people. I mean, we had that terrible Mandalay Massacre six years ago, and people are still flocking here nonetheless. Why? Because Vegas is freedom, and Vegas is like a Disneyland for Adults (no affiliation with Disney, it's just a metaphor that fits).We have America's biggest swinger place in the Red Rooster, and we have other swinger places like the Green Door, and strip clubs like Crazy Horse 3 and the Spearmint Rhino, and you can get handjobs on Spring Mountain, and you can smoke weed, and go to world-class restaurants and shopping malls and dayclubs and nightclubs that earn $100 million a year, and Cirque shows, and concerts.But that's all just the above-ground stuff. Underground Vegas has even crazier things, from illicit drugs to off-the-tax-rolls sex workers, and even secret illegal restaurants. But my beautiful city has its downsides, just like any city. We had that Mandalay Massacre. Gun culture is dumb here, with machine gun ranges, and a recent case where a bachelorette had a guy in her room who allegedly shot her pillow, and a guy this week allegedly shot at middle schoolers, and sometimes you'll see a guy in a grocery store with a gun on his belt, and the hotels haven't installed metal detectors. What's more, a lot of people work three jobs to make ends meet. Traffic's getting worse. And now we have this stupid fucking F1 race thing messing up our roads and our aura and the visitor experience and the locals experience. So if you're thinking of heading to Vegas for vacation or to live here, do yourself a favor and keep your eye on Vegas social media, and maybe don't come until the whole F1 apparatus is gone. Not just the race, but the ripped-up streets, and the tar machines, and all this awfulness.